Friday, March 25, 2011

Lots of Thoughts

Lot 1

The age of three and a half is developmental armageddon. I never understood why parents spoke of three with such fear.

I do now.

Oh Lordy do I understand.

We are so outclassed by our pint sized nuclear reactor, it's not funny.

Today she woke up, took off all her clothes and came to our bed. It was very cold in our uninsulated dormer/bed nook, so I asked to go get her shirt. She refused and stormed off to her room where she had a good 45 minute meltdown.

I reiterated she could come join me any time so long as she brought her shirt and went back to bed.

This is the first time a tantrum has meant more sleep for me.

The rest of the morning was spent dealing with tantrums over getting dressed to go to a play date. We had about 4 hours of non stop conflict today*. I am surprised my blood pressure didn't knock my eyeballs out of their sockets.

It was a tough morning. Hold me.

Thankfully, I seem to have gotten through to her and the afternoon (knock on wood) has been pleasant. The toddler suggested we go out to lunch and so we did even though it meant paying mostly in quarters as I didn't have cash in my wallet. Then she sounded out the word exit and asked me what it meant, which was priceless.

*Yes this is a lot, but it's her personality and she's really invested right now in opposing everything on principal alone. "Want some chocolate" nets a sustained note of 'no' that an opera singer would envy. At the play date, she was so angry about taking turns, she body slammed the slide, then slid to the floor in a heap to scream and cry.

If you are horrified by this, you don't have a three year old. Actually, I'm horrified, but it is all, I am assured by those who have been there, normal.

I'm sure she'll be fine, hubby and I may be in a fetal position, drooling when it's all over, but the toddler will be fine.

Lot 2

Tired, but I can get up in the morning without feeling like I'm stuck in quicksand. Lots of muscle cramps which, for the first time, kept me up into the wee hours.

I'm bloated to the point where it hurts.

The working theory is the adrenal glands have never liked it when a birth control pack ended and that was this week.

Plus last week, I had a pretty significant asthma episode and even though that had a happy resolution, asthma is a lot of physical work. It's tiring, like running a marathon with your lungs.

I bet that contributed to things, because didn't it seem like I went out of town on a cloud of optimism and came back a negative Nelly? That trip seemed to be when things started to change.

Updosing to 20 mg helped but when I went back to 15mg, I lost ground again. So we'll see what shakes out.

Lot 3

Sometimes life gives you sour lemons filled with worms and sometimes life makes the lemonade for you, sells it at a profit and dumps money in your lap.

I have to be vague due to some legal confidentiality stuff (I know! What is up with all the lawyers lately?), but I had a modest and random business success. Unfortunately it was a one-time thing and now the mad scramble to start over begins.

My minor success has resulted in a complete loss of what little income I had. That sounds terrible, I know, but it really is a good thing, it's just not an all around financial problem-solver situation.

I think the correct spin is something like 'I am now in a position to commit to more promising opportunities.'

It would all make sense if I could just explain it, but I signed the legalese saying I wouldn't.

Despite the good news, the reality is I haven't actually ever been able to generate a full-time income. Just a pretty wimpy less than part-time one. The economy shifted under my feet and then I ended up in the hospital last year kicking off the adrenal Trail of Tears that started this blog. If the economy hadn't completely tanked in the area I was building a business, I could probably generate a full time income x 3 even with the adrenal wipe out, but I couldn't overcome the one-two punch.

Timing is everything and mine sucked.

I called my friend last night to squeal and she told me, "Only you would be wrongfully sued for a huge amount of money only to turn around and end up with a random business deal you never saw coming."

"My life is really weird," I said.

"Yes it is. This sh*t only happens to you."

Lot 4

So now I need to rebuild my income. I have some ideas. I hope I can execute them both business logistics-wise and in terms of having the energy/health to follow through.

It gives me something to do that takes me outside of my situation. Which I need. This is something I had realized earlier this week. I need a project that inspires me and focuses me outward and forward. For my own mental health.

I wish I had a real j-o-b, but I'm underwhelmed with the job market. Salaries have nosedived while the cost of living has gone up. I saw a job ad for what I used to do at 1/2 the salary, a rate I believe is lower than what Target and Walmart pay people. When I looked at the average salary for my field where I'm located, it had dropped $20,000 since the last time I looked at it. Yet it's supposed to be a growing area of employment.

And FYI childcare still costs $900 a month in my area (I have scoped out over 10 daycares on the off chance I find a full time job somewhere--it is hideously expensive). Gas is also it's own chunk of change and projected to go up and I need an income that will cover gas, child care and frivolous things like my student loan payments. Those jobs don't seem to exist in my area*.

We're winning the race to the bottom!

Based on how 3 1/2 is going, I honestly would love nothing more than to pay $900 a month for child care. The toddler is an extrovert and gets bored at home. So she would blossom and I wouldn't go insane. But no dice in this economy.

All I can seem to manage are lemons which may or may not have been picked at the right time.

*We are working/hoping on a move but it's down the road.

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