Saturday, January 14, 2012

Better

It turned out to be a good call stopping the steroids. Would not have predicted that, but glad I listened to the instinct to do so.

Energy was even with some minor fatigue. Minor like the way you feel after the flu is done with you; better but still needing some sleep.

Not sure what the rest of today will bring or tomorrow for that matter. This is probably weird, but mostly I'm afraid of what will happen next. I can't ever seem to get ahead of the game here. Not in any meaningful way.

It feels like it will never end. Never be over. Never be behind me but always before me, pouncing.

I was told by a mom friend to be optimistic, to which I responded, I tried that and had a crisis instead.

So they said, bitch your way through.

I thought that's what I was doing, I said.

Haven't I? I've kept a baseline of fitness going. I've maintained most of my commitments. It has not been easy and I have not always been 100%, but I think, overall, I have learned to work around/through/with the fatigue as much as possible.

They want me to commit to a stair run and a 5k. I can't. Maybe the day of, if I've been able to work out consistently, I could, but I have no idea how I will feel. I don't even know if my next work out is going to be safe. I can't count on being able to perform right now.

I explained that it's like a 24/7 mono. Or a flu that never gets better.

So I try not to make promises I can't keep.

Maybe that's not bitch enough, but it's the only way to navigate it that I can see.

Sorry if I'm not bitch enough for you. I'm trying.

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