Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Yeah, it's really getting dramatic over here.
Here's the deal, everyone's mad at the two mommies (the mean one and her BFF who is generally nice but also complicit).
The two mommies are making things worse by lying as if there were no witnesses. So they have no credibility.
The group has been dissolved. As have friendships.
There's been a flurry of emails. Some nice, some not so nice. It's all out in the open now. I'm just flabbergasted at the whole thing and how the drama just keeps going.
So one mommy has a festering medical condition and the stress of confronting the mean mommy and her history of mean spirited-ness was enough for her health to hit critical mass. She's been in the hospital since last Friday and won't be going home anytime soon. Not until she can have surgery. Yeah, the stress really did a number on her.
Amazingly she's trying to be friends with everyone while still confronting the bad behavior on the other mother's part. I get that these things are complicated and involve spouses as well as children, but by the time people are lying and refusing to apologize or accept any responsibility for their part, I don't see how a friendship can last or even be healthy. Maybe my standards are inappropriately high, but I tend to move on in those kinds of circumstances.
Tomorrow I'll make bland soup and bland banana muffins for the mom in the hospital. I visited her today and joked about the irony of medical experts always talking about how social networks prolong our lives, but failing to mention how they can also backfire and make us sick. (Or is it the case that when you're 85 even a frenemy is better than nothing? I hope not!)
The upshot of this experience is I will never join another mother's group. I was never a clique girl and motherhood has too many variations on the theme for it to be a universal unifying force. We aren't going to be 'besties' just because we have kids. Instead, from here on out, I will focus on ensuring my inner social circle is carefully selected.
Monday, July 30, 2012
I forgot to say re: the toddler and her grumpy mornings that if I can make her laugh we're golden.
The only problem? I have NO sense of humor in the morning. None. And when I do finally pull something out of my ass, it can have unintended consequences.
Like the time I got her giggling over the idea of our clumsy yellow lab in high heels and a dress. I then caught her chasing the poor dog through the house, trying to put shoes on his feet. I saved the yellow lab only to turn around and find that she'd tied the black lab to some furniture with a jump rope, buried her under a heap of dress-up clothes and topped it off with an open umbrella set over her.
I walked into the kitchen to see my labby love looking at me with wide, anxious eyes, her tail thumping a plaintive plea of 'save me, please save me.'
So I need to be careful about what I say to her in the morning. Don't want to plant the wrong seed. Who knows? She might tie me up next!
As for me, Sunday was a good day overall. Didn't do much though, so it wasn't like I pushed any bars.
Today was kind of blah. I finally had a blood pressure drop while I was driving. It was mild in that I didn't think loss of consciousness was imminent, but I'd really rather not even have a mild drop while driving, you know? It lasted about a minute and I was grateful for every red light.
I thought about pulling over and having the hubby come get me, but by the time I was done dithering over what to do, the whole thing was over. I proceeded to yoga and then dithered about whether I should ask the hubby to bring me some pickle juice. But that seemed lame so I just sucked it up and mentally reviewed the sodium content of everything I'd eaten (as if that would help).
I was a little loopy and light headed at yoga, but was fine on the drive home.
I haven't been checking my blood pressure much of late, so my thought is to keep a better eye on it. The progesterone might change my blood pressure for the better. I am running a little lower than usual right now, for me at least, but nothing of note...108/78.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Remember when I complained about the toddler getting up at the crack of dawn? Well, now I'm going to complain about her wanting to sleep until 9am.
It's not that I'm never happy, it's that her schedule shifted from one where nothing happened until after noon to one where we need to be out of the house well before 9am.
So both of us are getting up much earlier than we would like. Truncated sleep for everyone!
FYI not a recipe for much rest.
Worse, the toddler is a not a morning person. Compound that with the fact that I'm generally not fully awake until about noon and we are a horrible pair in the morning. She's a screaming mess. She stomps through the house, crossing her arms and going 'humph' alternated with ear shattering shrieks which are the toddler version of 'eff you.' No she will not brush her teeth or put on her shoes or eat her breakfast. No no no! Meanwhile I'm blinking at her blearily, ready to just go back to bed and hide.
We launch practically every day like this.
It's a miracle we arrive anywhere on time, but somehow I pull it off without losing what's left of my sanity.
By Friday I was ready to lie down and never get up again. I felt horrid. I fantasized about steroids even, followed by dreams of progesterone.
It's way too soon to tell if progesterone is going to be helpful, but I am interested to see what happens when I start it again.
When I was on it last, I deep cleaned a room which involved lifting a couch with one hand and removing carpet. The effort did not ruin the rest of the day--I went on to do everything else I wanted. I can't even contemplate that right now.
This weekend has been busy but I've also made sure to rest more than I've been, including sleeping in as much as possible. Yesterday we went blackberry picking again (the hubby was impressed with how little I screamed about the bugs this time). I rested for a bit after that and then we took the toddler to a small carnival followed by a trip to the grocery store.
I tried to stay up and watch the Olympics but ended up passing out on the couch--I just never amassed any good energy yesterday, the whole day I was pushing through jello, faking it but never making it.
Today is an even lazier day, with nothing planned. I think my energy is better today, but ask me again after I've had to actually get off the couch.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
1.Food allergies/sensitivities. They seem to have resolved. I haven't tried cucumbers yet and there's a threshold with chocolate at which I get heartburn, but no more nose swelling shut with tomatoes! Woot! I can eat salsa again!
2.Bio-identical Hormone Replacement. Well, I started progesterone. Then, I stopped progesterone. Currently the doc and I are tinkering with the dose, trying to get it right. I had a really great day right before I had to stop it, so I remain optimistic.
I am deficient, my levels are pretty much zero, so replacing it has to have some positive effect. I just need to get the dose right and be on it long enough to see it in action. I should be starting up again next week.
3.Yoga is hard. It makes me sweat. It makes my knees and wrists hurt, but relieves my neck pain, so hopefully the other joints will get used to it. To my surprise, I'm kind of flexible. The big downer is I took off my medical id bracelet in the middle of the class and left it behind. So far, no one has found it.
4.Mean mommies. One of the moms felt really guilty for standing by and saying nothing and came clean to everyone else. Almost everyone knows now. So all of a sudden, my in-box is full of apologies. Except for the mean mommy, who, I'm now told, has always been like this and I grossly misjudged her character.
Social dynamics among girls/women kind of interest me now that I've had to navigate mean girl territory with my daughter. I've read several books on the topic even. It will be interesting to see what happens next.
The mean mommy has one friend left--the two of them make up what remains of the group and are close friends. With the rest of us gone and avoiding the one mom, will mean mommy then target the other mom? (That may sound strange, but many times I've seen bullies who've been isolated turn on their friends because there's no one else to kick.)
Will the other mom clue in to the fact that she's now socially isolated because of mean mom? Or is she on the same page and in agreement with mean mommy?
Or will mean mommmy surprise everyone and apologize?
As to what my future will be with the mommies now? I am not sure. I still don't drink (they do) and am often too tired to attend the events necessary to bond with everyone. So who knows?
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Today, energy was not so good. In and out most of the day. Sucked it up as best I could.
We took the toddler blackberry picking after her Tae Kwon Do class this morning. The hubby knows where they grow wild (and organic).
I am a lousy berry picker. At least when the bug population outnumbers me a billion to one. The hubby found all my shrieking to be quite entertaining.
However, he didn't see how the grasshoppers were trying to corner me. That was not funny. So not funny.
I am not a bug person.
Then how did I spend three months in the rain forests of Central America?
By visiting during the 'winter' season when the bugs are less prolific. Today, I couldn't take a single step without something flying up out of the grass at my face. For comparison, that did not happen once the entire time I was in the rain forest*. And we only picked berries for an hour.
So, to recap, I'm tired, as usual. I scream when I see bugs and we picked some blackberries. And I hope to end the day with a walk.
Over and out.
*Okay yes, fire ants swarmed my shoes, but that was my fault. If I hadn't stood on the anthill, they wouldn't have bothered me. First rule of the rainforest, don't touch anything without looking to see what's there. Don't sit. Don't stand. Don't stretch your arms overhead. Don't play Marco Polo in the bush. Look first, identify in guidebook, then touch.
Otherwise you might put your hand in the middle of a baby pit viper's coils.
Not that I would know
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Tomorrow we have nothing to do, nowhere to go and it seems the toddler is just as excited about that as I am.
I broke up with the mother's group. The ones I thought would care, cared and the ones I thought wouldn't, didn't. To my surprise, when I posted my 'au revoir' on the group, several other members added they were going too. The ones that cared.
I'm pretty sure they have no idea what my context is. I haven't said anything. I did give the moms I liked a heads up that I was leaving, but didn't go into detail. However, the group hasn't been very functional for over a year. They haven't been able to attract or retain new members and membership has dwindled down to seven families. I suspect that is driving the decision for the other moms.
The writing is on the wall for the group. I will be surprised if they survive now that they've lost 40% of their membership.
Now all that's left is to defriend.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Monday, July 16, 2012
Stomach flu, food poisoning or adrenal whatsis?
It started Sunday night and I was up most of the night being sick.
Since the adrenal piece didn't seem to kick in until the third trip to the bathroom, I'm crossing fingers this is something benign. Like bad kombucha. And there was possible stomach bug exposure...ten days ago, but still! There's hope of this being normal GI sick, right?
It was surreal to literally feel the strength draining from my legs, weakness overtaking me like poison. Again. For the umpteenth effing time.
I had begun to think I was past that.
As it turns out, not so much.
It's a bummer because I had just done the 2.5 mile walk for the first time without feeling like I wanted to lay down on the sidewalk and die. (Note: The walk made the hubby feel the same way the first time he did it with me. I think it's the million percent humidity that makes it so miserable. Or maybe we are just sloths who dress up like humans--that would explain so much.)
Today will be spent resting as much as possible, hoping that will be enough.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
I experienced a nasty mommy drive by (when mommies are mean to other mommies)over a week ago that has left me questioning whether I will continue with my mother's group.
This would involve lots of Facebook defriending, which I've been agonizing over. To defriend or not defriend, that is the question.
I think I've decided to unjoin the group and defriend various members, but now have to navigate that with some social grace. The social network includes folks who don't know what happened and I have no idea how to extract myself without raising questions and causing a certain amount of drama.
It's hard to explain what happened without dragging you through petty details that no one who is not directly involved cares about. Short hand, I was verbally bitchslapped like a bad dog in front of everyone. My husband witnessed the whole thing and his first question to me when we talked about it later was 'Why do you spend time with these women?'
And I thought, you know what? Why do I bother with them? They've never been a good match for me. I stayed with the group because it was the easy button for keeping the toddler busy.
(Strangely the toddler doesn't like most of the kids, which must be a sign of some kind.)
Being sick didn't help me make any strong social connections either. Part of this is due to being sick. I couldn't do all the mommy bonding events and that left me the odd mom out.
This may not seem like a big deal or maybe it appears over-dramatized, I don't know. What I do know is that it shook me to my core. I became very insecure about who I was and if I was worthy. I was called names and assigned unflattering labels. Spoken to like the lowest of the low.
So I've spent the last week going to my real friends, the people who've known me for decades, asking them what the truth was. Because I was no longer sure. Maybe I secretly was a horrible person and was just too dumb to see it.
But my friends have rejected that and reassured me the things that were said to me were not true. Even if they were, there were ways to address them with kindness and respect, neither of which were utilized the day of the mommy drive-by.
The whole experience has been emotionally wrenching for me. Some of it centered on the toddler's diagnosis, something she just received from the neurologist, which I may or may not delve into in a later post. The last time I shared anything about it, I was publicly ripped apart
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Understand that I know nothing about yoga.
Well, I do know Sting likes to mix sex and tantric yoga. Because he talks about it in interviews and we've seen him in concert.
Everything (else) I learned came from P90X's interpretation of yoga.
Which is intense enough I've been 'practicing' for my yoga class for fear of not keeping up.
I've done the downward facing dog pose as if my life depended on it, shoving my ass into the air like a double jointed duck trying to develop some semblance of yoga skillz.
So the day comes and basically we laid on the floor for an hour and half. In the dark. I couldn't really see anyone so who knows what yoga--tantric or otherwise--was going on?
There was not one downward facing dog. I felt gypped. I'd done all this self-assigned homework for nothing!
Now, I realize that it's a mistake to think you know anything about anything from watching P90X. Their yoga? Is on steroids and has a bad case of 'roid rage to boot.
My yoga? Is a lot of breathing in the dark with some gentle movements that I may or may not be performing correctly. I'm not even sure the instructor can see me!
As for everything else: Still kind of tired. I have those good days and think 'I'm free!' I'm not free, but I'm not in prison either. I'm in a seedy halfway house.
Still lots of muscle pain, which yoga highlighted nicely. Things are just really inflamed and I'm not sure why. Drinking lots of 'gingerade' (ginger, lemon, stevia, water and ice--delicious and anti-inflammatory) to try and feel better. Also Advil. And Tylenol. It's similar to steroid withdrawal muscle pain but I haven't had any steroids in a while.
Went for a 2.5 mile walk. It was painful, but I did it.
Waiting to start bioidentical hormone replacement for low progesterone. My level is below normal so I'm really hoping bringing that back into balance will help me.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
I did, however, have a very productive work day. The toddler had a little buddy to
I finished edits on one story. Wrote the complete rough draft of another as well as made the cover in Photoshop (which is a real pita now that retailers have increased the cover sizes).
This morning I woke up, decided I felt good and did the elliptical first thing. I want to start exercising in the morning again so it's now or never. It pretty much sucked because it's hot and my legs are/were weak. Usually when I feel this good energy-wise I can chug away at 60rpm, today I was fighting to just stay in the 40s.
I've been puzzled by having weakness not in combination with fatigue. The two are like conjoined twins of torture, where one goes, the other follows. But then it occurred to me that maybe this is the first significant break in the adrenal pattern.
Maybe this is the beginning of the end?
Maybe now the weakness will fade too?
Or am I just fooling myself to think that any good days are the start of a new and better pattern?
Friday, July 6, 2012
But I survived!
I just wish I didn't constantly feel hungover.
Yesterday it was the low blood sugar hangover from the 4th.
Today it is the high blood sugar hangover from the 5th.
From one extreme to the other and my body can't moderate either one!
I tried to work out last night to try and burn up the excess sugar and my muscles fatigued very quickly, going straight to the burn of over doing it. I don't know if this is just me being out of shape (but surely not that far gone, I have been exercising) or my body being weird.
And now I'll end this post because I've hit some 'shrink the screen until it's almost invisible' button combination. I can barely see what I"m typing. Ta ta for now.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
I forgot to eat.
No hunger so no interest in eating, it didn't even occur to me to eat. I totally missed the fact that meal times had come and gone without me eating anything-- so far off my radar, it fell off screen. I try to be aware of eating regularly because this is a known pitfall, and I mostly do a pretty good job, but I guess I got all caught up in preparing for the day.
I fed the toddler at least, then drove her 45 minutes to the grandparent's pulled into the driveway only to have the world tilt sideways on me. I was on the phone with the husband when it hit and I had to hang up as I was too dizzy to talk.
It was embarrassing as I essentially demanded food and juice the second my family opened the door, lurching through their house like a drunk person. I do pretty well covering all the daily insanity of my health, they'd never seen me like that. I tried to explain, tried to carry a conversation even though my brain was goo, but I probably looked like I had a drug problem of some kind.
Food helped but fatigue lingered--it would appear the problem wasn't just low blood sugar alone. I actually drove home and went to bed, sleeping until we had to leave to re-join everyone for dinner. That helped even more but I didn't come fully online until around 9pm yesterday.
So today, I'm making sure there's food in my stomach and in my purse. We have a busy day--hour and a half drive to a family event involving a fancy restaurant. It should be fun, but I'm kind of nervous about how I'm going to do it all.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
I hate the pro-vax, anti-vax debate. Like most debates of their ilk (abortion, taxes, partisanship etc...), it sets up a false dichotomy and allows logical fallacies on all sides to flourish. Rhetoric is heavy-handed and often all proponents have to fall back on.
Case in point, the conversations I ran across were all rabidly pro-vax, blaming those nasty anti-vaxers for everything bad in the world.
Not one commenter brought up the recent news that vaccines aren't properly stored in most cases, rendering them ineffective. Not even the mothers of immune compromised children. Or the "medical scientists" who hasten to add to the pile-on of 'only morons don't vaccinate.' You begin to see why the whole thing puts my teeth on edge. This is what passes for critical thought on these kinds of issues.
It's just ideologically easier to believe that the reason pertussis has made their kid or their friend's kid sick is the small number of folks who don't vaccinate. So everyone keeps having the same fight over and over, retains their moral superiority and, meanwhile, poor quality control in a flawed, unethical industry festers, hurting us all.
In the mid-90s I was reading the books that brought up quality control concerns with vaccines. It's a major Achilles heel for the pharmaceutical industry and national security (think 'ill-prepared for germ warfare'). That being said, we vaccinated our child because we understand the science and agree it is true. We just hoped it was implemented correctly because that is harder to know, that's the part where everyone is working blind... including the medical staff administering the vaccines.
I remain unconvinced that my child received a high quality product from a properly maintained factory. To my knowledge, legislation has never been enacted requiring the industry to bring manufacturing facilities up to code--it's too expensive and we need the vaccines too badly to close anyone down and force the issue. It's either been blind luck or a blind eye that this information has not escalated like it should.
And now actual data has surfaced that the very doctor's offices exhorting everyone to vaccinate (you should see our ped, they all but put us in a head lock) were undermining the entire vaccine program with poor storage practices. Here are the salient data points:
Pro-vax, anti-vax, alien-vax whatever...this is a problem and it is only the tip of the iceberg.
"Report findings identified 76 percent of the selected vaccine providers had stored their vaccines to inappropriate temperatures for at least five cumulative hours.
The report also found that 13 of the 45 providers inspected had stored vaccines that had expired alongside those that were current. The providers in the study all participated in the Vaccines for Children program."
Yet not one person is asking, 'how do we know our kids are vaccinated?' Because now it's not just enough that they got a shot, parents have no idea if the shot was any good!
But instead of being outraged at documented failures in the vaccine program, we spend all our time calling the other side 'morons'. Because we would rather validate our own biases about who we are vs. who other people are than deal in facts or unite to fix tangible problems.
Really, I don't know why anyone cares about who vaccinates or not, because stupidity seems to be a much more widespread and lethal disease. Now there's a vaccine I would line up for.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
I made meatballs, muffins, cookies and coleslaw. As well as lunch and dinner. Got in the elliptical work out.
Felt great. Checked my bp and saw it was 100/70 and thought huh. But I went by how I felt, which was fine (see also: big mistakes) so I did what I wanted to, which was cook and exercise.
Then my bp went pfffft to 99/68. In me, that doesn't feel so great. I became fatigued and rested most of the afternoon.
By early evening the GI stuff started along with weakness.
I had a googly-eyed bp drop that I didn't measure, just breathed through it on the couch and waited until I could see straight again.
It wasn't too bad and didn't last long, probably because my highest BP of the day was 115/79.
So that would be a no on stress response recovery?
Monday, July 2, 2012
I have very distinct memories of being four and know who I was. I was self-contained. I played independently--every day. I was quiet (which is a good quality for a minister's kid because you have to sit through all those sermons and behave). Once I could read, I just took a book with me everywhere my parents dragged me. Books kept me entertained in a facsimile of exceptional behavior, allowing my parents to look amazing as opposed to merely lucky.
Enter my daughter, who is a social butterfly. She can't play independently. And she whines like a tornado siren with a broken 'off' button.
It's not that I expected her to be exactly like me, more that I thought she'd be at least a little like me. Or perhaps easy going like her Dad.
But no, not happening. The cognitive dissonance between what I know about four and how she is four is one of my biggest challenges as a parent--I'm in one lane, she's levitating on the Jetsons' superhighway.
She is who she is, my problem is I don't know this personality type well. So I keep her busy busy busy.
All summer I've been getting up early to either take her to summer camp or go to the clinic or both on the same day. Being so ill in May, of course, made it extra hard. I just need (needed?) a lot more rest than I did before bronchitis hit--although that is slowly improving.
This past week, I really felt the need to slow down, but we just had something every day and were even double-booked in spots. Sunday was going to be my lazy day, but my friend took me out to see Magic Mike (hubba hubba). As much as I appreciate having the energy to do everything, I just want to set all the balls down and take a short break. Catch my breath. Smell the roses.
I'm supposed to be somewhere today, but I canceled in favor of lolling in bed, snuggling with my daughter. Plans consist of an elliptical work out, baking almond flour cookies and generally puttering my ass off.
It's official. Today's a pajama day.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
At first, it made me want to cry because all I could do was watch. I was just lucky to be able to go for walks still.
I loved the pylometrics workout. Except for the fact that it's like an hour and a half long.
Is it even safe to do that intense a workout that long?
Unless you're an Olympic athlete of course.
Even if I was in shape, I don't think I would do pylo for that long. It seems excessive. I would break it up into 20 minute increments myself.
Eventually I did what I could of the yoga dvd. Which was not much. That's another hour and a half work out which seems long, but the yoga class I signed up for is the same length. I can feel my commitment to yoga wavering on time constraints alone.
I need Mommy's Quick Relax Yoga not Yoga to Infinity and Beyond.
But no one does that so spit, meet wind.
Then I stumbled onto the Cardio X workout on the P90X menu, which is a 45 minute hodge-podge of the yoga, kenpo and pylometric work outs. It's easier. It's shorter.
Huh, I thought. Maybe I could do this. You know, someday.
So the hubby and I tried it today. I did about 1/3 of the workout. I like the Yoga because FYI Yoga is effing hard and I feel like I need to work those muscles a bit before the yoga class starts. The rest of it was okay. I think I like my kenpo (aka cardio kickboxing) choreography better. I'm kind of an exercise loner--once I learn the basics, I like to skip the class and create my own routines.
So not a P90x convert. Other than to data mine it for moves I like and want to use on my own.
After the dvd ended, I finished with 10 minutes on the elliptical because I felt guilty about not being able to go full throttle. I actually wanted to do 20, the hubby confined me to 5 and 10 was our compromise. He's right to not want me doing too much, I should want to go slow too, but it's so hard to be a turtle when, in the moment, I know I can run.
The aftermath of exercising is never foreshadowed in my body. This makes it really hard to know what constitutes over-doing it and is a major source of frustration for me.
As for my BP, I don't know. I don't care. I am taking a break from bothering with it. I medicate it. I eat right. I exercise. It's going to do what it's going to do. Frankly, it can kiss my fat ass.