Bad News

Think of the worst relative you know. The black sheep. The scandalous one. The one that makes you gasp and shake your head. The one you don't talk about because it's embarrassing.

The one you avoid.

I have nine of those assholes in just one side of my family.

Yesterday we received some disturbing news.

For me, it has been crushing. Which translates into stress. I couldn't breathe yesterday. Maybe it was the weather, which had shifted from 20 to a balmy 50, but I couldn't walk and talk. It was too much.

I shut down, pulled back into my shell, just trying to process things breathe. It has reached the point that we will not have contact with some people and will be limiting contact with everyone else. Such a simple thing to write when there's nothing easy about it.

At my last appointment, the endo asked me if I have muscle pain and I denied it.

Yet today I am reminded that sometimes I do have muscle pain and it's not steroid withdrawal. My joints hurt. My arches and calves feel like I've been wearing those wedding shoes non-stop. My thighs hurt to the touch.

And I am angry to be so weak when what I really need is strength.