All I Need Is a Soundtrack

Suzanna had a question for me in the last post:

"I can't remember why you're trying to avoid the steroids? If you're addison's (either primary or secondary) then your adrenals don't work on their own. They won't come back to work normally will they?"

I avoid steroids because my adrenals aren't just insufficient, they are the cray-cray shiznit.

The best way I could describe it is I feel like my system 'stutters'. It's there and then it's not. It's there and then it's gone. Not always for the same reasons, which makes it hard to predict and accommodate.

I don't believe I need daily steroids, but I (clearly) haven't quite worked out what kind of dosing philosophy would keep me upright and prevent these mini-crashes. In a way, this is an improvement because I used to have a very direct cause and effect going. Now the cycle is stretched out, less immediate, harder to pinpoint. I'm playing chicken with both hypo- and hyper- cortisolism at the same time. Not a fun three-way.

I am also beginning to believe I will never be the same again. I'm past the two year mark and still having problems. Does that spell full recovery for you? It doesn't for me. Not even close.

And iron let me down. I thought it was a partial solution. Not so much.

This past week was pretty serious. Much more serious than I would have believed possible at this juncture. I did not believe the idea of an adrenal crisis would even cross my mind without some kind of surgery or other major health trigger. For me to wonder if the ER was in my future was upsetting on many levels, to say the least.

I did not take steroids on Thursday, which meant the day mostly sucked ass. I didn't forget to eat, but I still hit the low sugar hell because I didn't have time to eat. At least I recognized what was happening early on and ate as soon as humanly possible.

Part of the reason I ran out of time was the fatigue made life go in slow motion, only it didn't slow down the clock one second. I just couldn't move fast enough to fit in lunch.

By noon, I was a wilted flower, too tired to work or cook dinner, let alone eat it (although I snacked a bit). Stomach/flank pain was sporadic throughout the day. I stumbled through the motions of picking up the toddler from preschool and pretending to understand the things she said--I swear, I was too tired to hear. Got home and went to bed. Then realized I had a sore throat, ear ache, toothache and headache, which did not help.

Rested for about four hours and then took some Dayquil, which helped a ton with the sinus pain.

Finally, finally I perked up a bit. I even danced, knowing that it might not turn out well. It's interesting to note that the flank pain intensified after and I had some GI threats going.

So I've decided the cure must be a soundtrack played at full volume at all times--it can never stop because then the adrenal revenge starts. Zumba music would work, except my husband stole the one CD I have. So not cool.

I did have some good news this week to hold on to. Someone gave the story Amazon killed a 5 star review and I got a gushing email from a 'fan'. That was cool. And I put the finishing touches on another story and my critique came back with 'you write so clean, I don't have many comments' which I know no one who reads this blog believes that, given all the gaffes I make here. I, however, was quite pleased with myself.

I also made my own cover in Photoshop, a cover I absolutely love. I find I really like thinking visually, although my skills are nowhere close to reproducing what's in my head. I have so much to learn!

Please body, just let me live my life!