Loss of Control

I'm on day three of shit sleep.

Why?

I had to increase the asthma meds.

I've been fantastic on just one puff of Pulmicort twice a day for something like the last six months. Perfect asthma control. Could not have been better.

Then we hit a heat wave and the ol' windbags did not like that.

Lots of air trapping. So I switched things up and it's better, sort of. The big downside is my body acts like one puff of Symbicort twice a day is the equivalent of 80mg of prednisone.

That means, not sleeping at night, I suddenly have restless leg syndrome in my right calf and my mind races like I took a whole bottle of caffeine pills.

And while things are better, I may need to up the dose again. The asthma is still not controlled. Not only was I up last night due to steroid side effects, I was hacking like an angry seal. Yesterday I was wheezing, but I'm hoping that's just because the temperature dropped by 50 degrees.

If money ever becomes no object, I should probably live somewhere with a stable climate. These temp swings are hard on me.

Anyway, today I slapped a spacer on the inhaler to, hopefully, tone down the systemic effects I'm having. I should have done that from the beginning, but I tend to forget all these little nuances of asthma management. I have to relearn the rules every time things change.

On the adrenal side...I'm mostly fine. I get a touch of adrenal weirdness now and then. Hard exercise can still be an issue so I mostly avoid it, although I've had a few workouts that were too much.

Okay, so here's the writing update. It's more fun than my body. If I could detach my brain from my defective flesh bag, I would totally do it.

-Still writing like crazy which means I now have carpal tunnel. Whee! In theory I'm going to take most of August off to rest my hands (this will probably not happen but I will try to let things heal as much as possible). I was doing great for several months and lifting 10lb free weights to condition my arms, but all of a sudden my hands just fell apart.

-I have releases lined up for the rest of the year and am actually ahead a bit, well except for the part where I was going to write a novel in another genre. That novel is not going so well. I'm behind on that, but otherwise on top of things. I've been trying to shift to a schedule where I'm working 3-6 months in advance for a while now, and it's a good feeling to know my releases are set through the end of the year. It's less stressful and gives me time to be sick.

-Asked a major name author to endorse one of my books. One of the advantages of knowing someone before they hit it big.

-I was approached by a publisher who asked me to write for them. You've heard of them. I turned them down. Not enough money and their marketing was sub par. I can make more money without them.

-Realized I really enjoy figuring out how to market books. I suggested some authors do a collaborative project and have been helping them pull it together. I expect it to hit the USA Today bestseller list at the very least (NY Times is a harder nut to crack). I just wish I could have an idea that would hit a list like that with my pseudonym on it, ha.  I'm also running various marketing experiments and coops with the writers I hang out with online. It's like a big puzzle and I find it fascinating (although in real life I hate doing anything more than a 24 piece puzzle).

-With regards to marketing I approached someone about a partnership for a reader marketing business.The goal is to build a revenue stream that is independent of me writing as well as create platforms that market my work. They accepted and we're in the process of hammering out the contract. Even though we're at the legal part, I am actually not sure if it's going to happen. If it does, it will be an interesting experience. I hope it is as profitable as I think it is.

-I'm sponsoring an art festival thingie that ties in with one of my books and finally came up with swag for the exhibitors. Phew. Almost did not pull that one off. Swag is tough when you're on a budget.

-My sales are in the toilet still and August will be worse. I won't panic though unless my fall releases tank.

Still Kicking

I'm still here! Working like a dog.

Health-wise...doing okay. The asthma is relatively dormant. BP is alright. Weight sucks. Energy is mostly good although I have occasional weirdness. I'm exercising.

I switched back to the birth control pill. The progesterone side effects were driving me crazy and I decided to try it and see. So far so good. PCOS is much better on the pill vs. progesterone. Like, no contest. Who knows what the future holds though?

The big down side is the pill messes with my gut in really unpleasant ways. Everything is a double edged sword, but I would rather just not take the pill or progeterone for a while than go back on progesterone. Assuming my energy holds steady.

The writing is going sooooo slooooowly. OMG. I will continue to be scarce. I'm trying to finish two novels, a couple novellas and a handful of short stories like yesterday. I can't publish the one novel until I write the second in case something in the series changes on me, so really I have to write three novels. The idea is to preserve the ability to go back and edit the story line if big things change.

At least until I'm more experienced with writing series. I never thought I would write a series, I'm more a 'one and done' writer, but this concept is rich enough to support multiple books, and my writing brain has come up with all sorts of plot points and connections between characters that are way bigger than one novel. Series are also where the money is at for authors, so that's a bonus.

I am having a good time. I like what I do. It's too bad it's so volatile. If I can't reach a more sustainable income level, I'll have to find another way to pay the bills. The good news is, I've gotten really good at marketing and building a platform. I have a fighting chance.

Hang in there health. Don't poop out on me now!

Now, back to the writing cave. And don't feel bad, my family barely sees me either these days. When/if my income ever recovers, I can slow down, but, until then, I'm a slave to the keyboard.

Weirdness Such as This

I have to say I get very nervous when the super taste buds and the blood hound nose show up. I feel like a uselessly bizarre action hero who can smell and taste things no one else can.  The smell they usually catch sooner or later, but no one tastes food like I do.

Which is probably good since the flavor trends toward rancid with a side of dead rodent. (Or rather I imagine that's what a decomposing rat would taste like.) It's like I taste the life cycle. I get the intended flavor, the freshness I was aiming for when I chose the recipe, but then it keeps going until decay covers my tongue and I wonder if the meal I cooked might actually be poisoning people.

"Does the food taste okay?" I will ask my husband in a hushed whisper.

"It's great. I love this new recipe. Make it next week." Then he shoves in big forkfuls of whatever it is we're eating while I nibble at mine trying to convince myself I don't have to listen to my tastebuds.

(Note that ice cream always tastes fine. Imagine that.)

"Do you smell that?" I ask almost ducking as the cloying scent of flowers hits me. The lilac bushes are a good thirty feet away, but the scent is akin to some deranged ENT cramming the buds up my nose and into my brain.

My husband looks around and shrugs. Oh that crazy wife of his! Why can't she just hear things like all the other regular crazy people? "Smell what?"

Five minutes later, when we are right under the lilac bush he says, "Oh I smell it now."

It's moments like that when I wonder what my cortisol levels are like. Who knows? Not me!

So it's been a month since I posted.

Where the hell have I been?

I was not sick. I did not die. Other than my super sensory powers, I'm doing okay. Not perfect but as close as I can get to it.

My book sales did tank however. They fell faster than a balloon attached to a lead weight and launched off the Empire State Building. It's an arbitrary bureaucratic issue on the part of the booksellers. I could go on about algorithms and search engines and reader/market manipulation, but that would bore you.

So I have been dealing with that to the exclusion of all else. Barring illness that keeps me from trying to salvage what I can and rebuild, I probably won't be posting any time soon.

You know my email. If you need me, you can reach me, but there will probably be a lag of several days before I respond.

I'll be back at some point.

About that River...

Denial is a powerful thing. It allowed me to ignore:

-loss of appetite to the point of missing multiple meals a day
-increased scent and taste sensitivity
-fatigue
-muscle aches and spasms
-loopiness at a level equivalent to being drunk
-cold sores
-some vague flank pain

These are all clear signs of adrenal whatsit and I ignored them all! Hell, I even went running. What special breed of idiot does that? Me! That's who.

Tapering inhaled steroids, which is what I did last week, can be a problem and it can also be just fine. Since summer is good for my lungs and my most stable time of year, I figured I would try to cut down on the steroids in my system. Basically, I got cocky and convinced myself that abruptly cutting the inhaler dose in half would go well.

Obviously it did not.

So here I am feeling not so hot and impatiently waiting for normal to resume. I'm trying an alternate day taper now to hopefully ease the strain of the adjustment. So far, it's not doing much. Next week, I start progesterone again and I'm crossing fingers that provides some support.

STEROIDS SUCK!

I Thought Spring Was for Hibernating

I had planned to write a post excusing myself from this blog, but my body had other ideas. I don't plan to abandon this blog because, let's face it, the asthma is going to come roaring back at some point and I'll suppress again. I'll need someplace to rant and rave about the misery. However, I had thought I would step back a bit and enjoy the lull.

There's a lot going on. I need to focus on my writing and develop other business ideas. We want to do a light remodel of the kitchen (new counter and floor) which means I need to produce the funds with writing. One house guest has left, another has arrived. The school board approved our exchange student. So, you know, I have a life and now that I'm able to get up off the couch, I want to go live it.

However...something is UP. I don't know what or how much of a problem it is going to be, but things ain't right.

First, my cortisol was not low. Or rather, it's only low for alternative medicine. No one else would find it low. I was not too concerned about it until last night. (And really the issue isn't what my baseline cortisol level is, it's the lack of the upper reaches of my stress response....something there's no real ability to test anyway, not until it completely fails.)

Second, I've had some loss of appetite. I've forgotten to eat several meals in a row more than once now. I haven't been able to finish what is on my plate fairly regularly. This is not good. It's an old school sign of adrenal insufficiency. (Don't worry, I'm still fat. F*ck you insulin resistance.)

Third, we went for a family walk, which, when you have young children, can be code for 'outdoor scream-a-thon'. My kiddo tires out easily, freaks about bugs and walks with her generally test the limits of our patience. They also progress at the speed of a crippled snail.

We could probably handle twenty minutes of the balking, but she manages to stretch it out to 45 or 60 minutes. If we didn't want to emphasize exercise as a family value, we would give up. We still might. Love my kid to the moon and back, but I could do without the behavior on walks.

To get my heart rate up on these excursions, I do some interval training. Light jogging. Some galloping, Chasses interspersed with walking. Nothing too major. Right now I'm out of shape because our vacation ended up being a bigger fitness detour than I anticipated. Mostly I've been walking 2 to 3 miles a day and am just now adding in these light cardio intervals (which only cover a mile).

Everything seemed fine. I'm careful not to push myself too hard. I don't want an injury, don't want to trigger the asthma and don't want to use up too much of my precious energy. So I hold back as a general rule and work my way up very slowly. Since I felt okay immediately after the walk, I figured I'd managed all my weird parameters okay.

When I went to bed later that night, I started to feel very ill. Post exercise adrenal ill. Severe nausea, burning stomach pain and lots of GI distress. I managed not to vomit, but was up quite late afraid to move or breathe too deeply lest I lose it.

Today I am loopy as hell, tired and weak, all the energy just wrung out of me.


Ah ha! I just ad an insight. I've been tapering the inhaled steroids. That might be the trigger here. AND I just realized I've been having some unusual muscle pain which would be consistent with steroid withdrawal. Oh wow. Phew. Look how much writing I did before I figured that out. That's how slow the synapses are today.

So I might actually feel better by next week.  Boy this post just did a 360 didn't it?

Alternative Slime

Saw doctor alternative...my cortisol level came back low. I didn't get a copy of the labs (but will ask for one) so I don't know the number, but that was not what I wanted to hear.

However, what alternative medicine considers to be low cortisol and what traditional mainstream medicine deems low are two very different things. You've got to be pretty low for a endocrinologist, not so much for integrative medicine. Based on how I feel, I can't be super low. I can't be.

So today I am allopathic by-the-book medicine all the way. In that paradigm, I'm fine (usually) and I prefer it that way, thank you.

And no, I will not be starting steroids. Day-to-day seems to be pretty stable with progesterone, but I still have issues with illness and apparently big trips. I'll deal.

My other hormones are all wonky still, but the new theory is...ummm still to be named, but a component of it is that menopause is ruled out.  (We'll see about that.)

I left the appointment with a butt load of vitamins...all of which taste terrible. (Tip: Never trust alternative medicine to give you anything that tastes good.) I've got four that come in slime gel packets. Total yuck on both texture and taste. Gag. Like eating frog diarrhea.

If the vitamins don't do anything (which they won't) we move on to some really fringe experimental bio-idential hormone stuff. I'm willing to try it only because it's relatively cheap and fairly safe, but I don't expect it to do much of anything.

Shhh! I should be working.

Don't tell anyone.

I'm slacking off.

I really need to go to the bank, but it's the beginning of the month and I don't feel like being neck deep in octogenarians. Seriously, the lines are ridiculous when it comes round to social security check time. I'm always surprised that thieves don't follow some of these folks home and rob them blind. I would think it would be easy pickings. Everyone seems to roll out of the bank (I say roll because they all have walkers) with a serious wad of cash in their pockets.

But I'm not a thief so WTF do I know?

I should be writing, but that's not flowing either. (The bank thief thing above doesn't count.)

I did make a book cover.

Something kind of cool happened the other day. I got a phone call from a stranger. They tracked me down from a fundraiser we participated in for our church wanting my pumpkin cake recipe. The one I make with almond flour and ground flax seeds. Apparently they loved it and so did their friends.

I was, of course, pleased to hear that someone loved the cake so much they hounded people for my phone number. For the last two months. That's some serious pumpkin cake love.

I promised to mail them the recipe, however, I warned them they probably won't get much out of it since they don't already bake with almond flour.

What a nice compliment though. Made my day. I worked very hard on perfecting that recipe, it's good to see that effort paying off.


I'm feeling somewhat more okay. I finally have adjusted to the home turf time zone. That took forever.  And I'm back on progesterone so things should continue to improve, right?