Friday, September 28, 2012

In and Out

The past week has been weird. The asthma is a pita one day, improved the next only cycle back to bad. I also spent the week battling progressively worsening fatigue.

Would you believe I am still coughing up gunk from this cold!?

I finally felt up for a walk yesterday, but tanked significantly afterwards.  Almost comatose with the tireds. I hate how that feels!

So it would appear that I still can't outpace bugs on my own. There's still some level of adrenal response. Although it's not what it was, which is good.

Tonight I get to start progesterone again and I hope that will turn things around.

On the writing front... I have not had the most productive month. I had a bunch of releases early in the month, which I had written the month before, but have yet to produce much new work. The name of the game also happens to be 'release or die' so low output is bad.

Finally, last night, a story started flowing and came out fully structured. I was afraid to stop writing and worked until almost 1am. Previously, the stuff I'd written lacked plot, or I would know the entry point of the story, i.e. the set up, but flounder after that. Which makes me appreciate when stories show up with a beginning, middle and end that will only need light editing.

I much prefer sitting down to write knowing exactly what happens next and how it ends as opposed to staring at the screen going 'now what?' and then procrastinating by surfing the internet.  I hope one story will still find a middle and an end yet, but another I think will have to be trashed--it's no good.

My earnings quadrupled this month. I think that had some psychological effect on my output. It was one thing when the money wasn't much more than extra groceries, but now it's bigger than that. I found myself preoccupied this month, watching my sales grow and feeling a sense a exhilarated panic about it all.

 Surely the readers made a mistake, right? The returns will come any day now. I won't sell anything ever again. Next month will be back to peanuts. Etc...

Like I said, it messes with my head a bit. Thankfully this story showed up to save me from myself.

Monday, September 24, 2012

See Saw Down

And today is worse! WTF? This is confusing. I didn't think I had enough congestion left to cause a problem, and yesterday was great, but the asthma kept me up most of the night anyway. Hacking, hacking, hacking with crackling lungs. Out of nowhere.

I used the rescue inhaler to open the lungs and then tried a variety of things to shut off my cough reflex. I sucked on tic-tacs. Nothing. At one point, I groggily ate ice cream, hoping to numb my throat and nada.

I ended up having to sleep sitting up on the couch. Very uncomfortable. I was so wiped, I passed out in some weird contorted position that my back is very unhappy about this morning.

And now I'm all tired out from the asthma.

Huh. Not the direction I expected to go.

Well, today is shot to hell. Dislike!

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Turn Around

Today is better! Woot! I was surprised at how it turned around as yesterday was kind of yuck-o. I thought for sure I was in for another week of just asthma, but so far so good.

Now back to exercise!

Maybe tonight yet, or maybe tomorrow. It's not been determined. I'm feeling delightfully lazy at the moment so we'll see...

Books are selling well. I have no idea if this is a new normal for me or if it will all go *poof* next month, but this month shows the glimmer of a full time income. From writing.

Never thought I would say that.

However, my latest projects, while being fun and stimulating, have not exactly been cooperating. I have no idea when I'll next have something ready to publish. I try to publish every month as that's key to selling books....having new content on a regular basis. 

Anyway, the toddler graduated from OT. So she's done with all of it...OT and PT and Early Intervention. At least for the moment, we may find ourselves returning in the future.

I am happy, but it's bittersweet as she's at the low end of skill mastery compared to her peers. She's going to have to fight for it if she wants to use her body in ways the rest of us take for granted. Medicine may be done with her, but we have to parent what remains and we don't know what we are doing.

Take the bike ride we took today. She's still weak enough on the left that she favors the right to the point where she's leaned so heavily on her strong side, the training wheel has bent sideways. We bent it back, but now the wheel is peeling and she rides at an angle that threatens to topple her over.

As she rides, she cries because her "legs hurt." This is part of her diagnosis. She can't get the bike started and requires lots of assists. Also part of her diagnosis.

I try to empathize, encourage and use tough love. I never know if I'm saying or doing the right thing, and, judging from my inability to motivate her or stop the tears, I feel I'm doing it all wrong.

Some days the bike rides are fine. Others they are a bawling mess--either she's crying or I'm fighting tears when I see how far she still has to go and I don't know if she'll ever get there.

So the moral of the story is....closing the gap on a skill deficit is not the same thing as mastery.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Huff n Puff

I thought I was better this morning, but then I got out of bed. I am a terrible optimist when I first open my eyes in the morning. If you told me I won the lottery and that there was a unicorn farting rainbows in my living room, I would believe you, right up until my feet hit the floor.

The adrenal piece is doing well with this cold. I have not felt like I needed steroids or that my energy is terminally awful. However, I've just started the '8 days without progesterone' portion of the program which may yet cause drama.

The asthma, however, is being a pita. Peak flow is down, I'm panting a lot and taking breaks whenever I do anything more intense than sit.

I would be surprised, though, if it gets worse than this. I think the cold is on its way out. I just have to suck up a few more days.

Fingers crossed.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

De Nile

The toddler had a cold last week. It was so light, I didn't even worry about it.

I had a sore throat yesterday and just shrugged it off.

Went for a hike and found it hurt to breathe. Shrugged that off too. Mostly by not taking any deep breaths.

So the bug I currently have upped the ante into a fairly significant cold.


I don't feel adrenal though so there's that. For now, anyway.

But the asthma is not good.

Most people think of Fall as back-to-school. I always think of it as back-to-sick.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Just One of Those Days

Hi. It's Monday and I'm fat.

Okay, maybe that wasn't exactly a revelation for anyone.

However, the progesterone is affecting my weight a bit.

And the lack of squats is making my legs big.

Or maybe the progesterone just reassigns the fat. I don't know.

Because the number on the scale is not big enough to be a change in size, yet things aren't fitting correctly.

The unfatting of my body is never easy, not unless my adrenals are in the toilet.

I don't want to go back to the days of adrenal insufficiency.

But weight loss is damn difficult when I'm what passes for healthy in this malfunctioning body.

Sometimes I feel cursed.

Today is one of those days.

At least my books are selling?

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Up Swing

I know what my problem hormones changed and tanked me for about a week. Now they've shifted back and things are improving. Yesterday was much better...the overlay of fatigue was mild and I didn't have to lay down in the middle of the day.

Mostly it's just been fatigue, no weakness which I take as a good sign. The only thing is, even fatigue alone sucks. It's like having a hangover all the time. I just can't wake up. Gah. Dislike!

As a result of the tireds, I've been on the caffeine sauce again. Coke Zero to the rescue. Man, I really need to learn how to like coffee so I can get off this chemical shit. Tea does not have any kick to it and I needed a grenade launcher up my butt to get myself moving this past week. So I turned to Coke Zero. Just once a day, but yeah, not really thrilled about it even though it helped a lot.

Exercise has been regular, much to my relief, at least something went well. Mostly walking, a little bit of yoga and one bike ride. I've avoided strength work the last several months, but realize now that's a mistake. The hikes aren't getting any easier because I'm not building any strength.

But I don't want to over-do it either. I'm working on figuring that out.

Here's a dump and go recipe for this one, sooooo easy.

Ham Dinner

4-5 large potatoes, peeled and sliced (use rutabaga if you're low carbing)
2 tbsps. olive oil
1 tbsps. herb blend of your choice (I use a no-salt blend with a bunch of spices in it)
1 tsp. salt
1 bag of frozen green beans (if you have a crowd, double the beans)
1-2 ham steaks cut into quarters. (1 ham steak serves 4, two serves 8)

1.Put potatoes in the bottom of the crockpot. Toss with oil and spices.

2.Top potatoes with green beans.

3.Add ham steaks.

4.Cook on low for 8 hours.

No you don't add any water...because the oil on the potatoes will brown them very nicely without any extra liquid. Also I think the frozen green beans provide all the moisture you need.

It's really lovely. My grandmother used to can her own green beans with bacon and this recipe infuses the beans with a ham flavor similar to hers (which we always scarfed down and coveted at family events).

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Still Kicking

It's been a little over a week since my last post.

To mimic my daughter, What? (You have to say it in a freakishly high falsetto to get the full effect.)

The toddler lost another tooth! She's made $4 so far from the tooth fairy. I checked her other teeth and nothing else seems to be loose at the moment. I hope we're done for now. I'm not ready for her to be a big kid...even if she is taller than every second grader we've met to date.

I don't really remember what I've been doing the last week or so. Bought new tennis shoes which promptly gave me a blister the size of a quarter. In the process of shopping for the shoes, I apparently exceeded flip-flops' ability to cushion feet and did something to my right calf muscles. Something deep that did not respond to massage, stretching or light exercise. This has all precluded exercise for the most part...the blister especially is being quite a pest and not healing well. I use a lot of band-aids.

As far as energy...I'm in and out. I'm still miles better than I was, but it's not rainbows and unicorns every day either. I wish!

The hubby bought tickets to take me out on a dancing cruise. I was so excited. The day of the cruise arrived and I felt horrible. I had a terrible headache and stomach pain with serious fatigue. Whenever I sat down, I had my head in my hands. I probably looked like I was about to have motion sickness. We did dance a little bit and I enjoyed that, but it was a bust overall.

I tried to rise above it. I took a bunch of Advil. Even had a pop--the full sugar version--hoping the caffeine and carbs would perk me up, but nothing helped.

Writing has been keeping me busy and is the primary reason for my absence of late. In the last six weeks I wrote the equivalent of a short novel in terms of word count and have been working to publish everything. Writing has been so consuming that I've had to force myself to take days off. Except I'm terrible about taking time off. I try though.

Sales have been good. On one retailer they are dying but on another, they are experiencing exponential growth. I may see real money this month. Maybe. If nothing goes wrong (which happens a lot in this business).

I suspect no one here cares, but I think my next step may be to write something for an e-press. I think I want to tap into their mailing lists and marketing as a way to expand 'brand awareness' for my pseudonym. We'll see.

The other goal is two more cook books. It feels like everyone is asking for my almond flour recipes. So if I compile the recipes for those who want it, might as well publish them all. And I'm kind of obsessed with 'dump and go' crockpot recipes. Between writing and parenting, I love it when I can dump a bunch of stuff into the crockpot in five minutes or less. Crockpots are the easy button of motherhood.

Oh and I may be starting a non-fiction project with someone else, who has the necessary professional credentials. I might be going to a conference this fall to gather data for the project and am looking forward to it (if it comes to pass). This is kind of cool because for a loooooong time I was afraid to make any plans since I never knew if I was going to be okay or not.