Turn Around

Today is better! Woot! I was surprised at how it turned around as yesterday was kind of yuck-o. I thought for sure I was in for another week of just asthma, but so far so good.

Now back to exercise!

Maybe tonight yet, or maybe tomorrow. It's not been determined. I'm feeling delightfully lazy at the moment so we'll see...

Books are selling well. I have no idea if this is a new normal for me or if it will all go *poof* next month, but this month shows the glimmer of a full time income. From writing.

Never thought I would say that.

However, my latest projects, while being fun and stimulating, have not exactly been cooperating. I have no idea when I'll next have something ready to publish. I try to publish every month as that's key to selling books....having new content on a regular basis. 

Anyway, the toddler graduated from OT. So she's done with all of it...OT and PT and Early Intervention. At least for the moment, we may find ourselves returning in the future.

I am happy, but it's bittersweet as she's at the low end of skill mastery compared to her peers. She's going to have to fight for it if she wants to use her body in ways the rest of us take for granted. Medicine may be done with her, but we have to parent what remains and we don't know what we are doing.

Take the bike ride we took today. She's still weak enough on the left that she favors the right to the point where she's leaned so heavily on her strong side, the training wheel has bent sideways. We bent it back, but now the wheel is peeling and she rides at an angle that threatens to topple her over.

As she rides, she cries because her "legs hurt." This is part of her diagnosis. She can't get the bike started and requires lots of assists. Also part of her diagnosis.

I try to empathize, encourage and use tough love. I never know if I'm saying or doing the right thing, and, judging from my inability to motivate her or stop the tears, I feel I'm doing it all wrong.

Some days the bike rides are fine. Others they are a bawling mess--either she's crying or I'm fighting tears when I see how far she still has to go and I don't know if she'll ever get there.

So the moral of the story is....closing the gap on a skill deficit is not the same thing as mastery.

Still Kicking

It's been a little over a week since my last post.

To mimic my daughter, What? (You have to say it in a freakishly high falsetto to get the full effect.)

The toddler lost another tooth! She's made $4 so far from the tooth fairy. I checked her other teeth and nothing else seems to be loose at the moment. I hope we're done for now. I'm not ready for her to be a big kid...even if she is taller than every second grader we've met to date.

I don't really remember what I've been doing the last week or so. Bought new tennis shoes which promptly gave me a blister the size of a quarter. In the process of shopping for the shoes, I apparently exceeded flip-flops' ability to cushion feet and did something to my right calf muscles. Something deep that did not respond to massage, stretching or light exercise. This has all precluded exercise for the most part...the blister especially is being quite a pest and not healing well. I use a lot of band-aids.

As far as energy...I'm in and out. I'm still miles better than I was, but it's not rainbows and unicorns every day either. I wish!

The hubby bought tickets to take me out on a dancing cruise. I was so excited. The day of the cruise arrived and I felt horrible. I had a terrible headache and stomach pain with serious fatigue. Whenever I sat down, I had my head in my hands. I probably looked like I was about to have motion sickness. We did dance a little bit and I enjoyed that, but it was a bust overall.

I tried to rise above it. I took a bunch of Advil. Even had a pop--the full sugar version--hoping the caffeine and carbs would perk me up, but nothing helped.

Writing has been keeping me busy and is the primary reason for my absence of late. In the last six weeks I wrote the equivalent of a short novel in terms of word count and have been working to publish everything. Writing has been so consuming that I've had to force myself to take days off. Except I'm terrible about taking time off. I try though.

Sales have been good. On one retailer they are dying but on another, they are experiencing exponential growth. I may see real money this month. Maybe. If nothing goes wrong (which happens a lot in this business).

I suspect no one here cares, but I think my next step may be to write something for an e-press. I think I want to tap into their mailing lists and marketing as a way to expand 'brand awareness' for my pseudonym. We'll see.

The other goal is two more cook books. It feels like everyone is asking for my almond flour recipes. So if I compile the recipes for those who want it, might as well publish them all. And I'm kind of obsessed with 'dump and go' crockpot recipes. Between writing and parenting, I love it when I can dump a bunch of stuff into the crockpot in five minutes or less. Crockpots are the easy button of motherhood.

Oh and I may be starting a non-fiction project with someone else, who has the necessary professional credentials. I might be going to a conference this fall to gather data for the project and am looking forward to it (if it comes to pass). This is kind of cool because for a loooooong time I was afraid to make any plans since I never knew if I was going to be okay or not.

Forward Motion

Sunday went well. It started pretty crappy--I just could not get up and I had some adrenal pain. Realized I forgot to take the licorice again. So that was probably causing drama. Liberal application of caffeine helped.

The odd thing, I don't really feel like the licorice has an effect...unless I miss a dose. Then I notice it. Had all sorts of steroid withdrawal muscle pain as well.

The hubby and I got out to see a movie, a rare treat. We saw Men In Black 3, which we enjoyed, although I have to force myself not to think too hard or else the plot holes get to me. We laughed, we cried (it was quite poignant in spots) and had a good time.

We tried to eat out at the Mediterranean place we like, but they couldn't remove tomatoes from anything. While I hope Doctor Alternative is right and it's just the treatment and not an allergy, the fact my nose swells shut with tomato consumption makes me cautious.

So we went home and I made my own damn Fattoush salad (without the glutinous pita or the nasal blocking tomatoes). Don't have any pictures of it, but it was delicious. Just wish I could find organic parsley.

Then I started a new story. Despite the threats in my last post, I had not intended to, but the story started flashing through my head in technicolor which means I have to write it NOW or lose it. It's an idea I've had on my to-do list for a while, so my sub-conscious must've been gnawing on it.

I think I wrote 2000 words in 30 minutes. It was a crazy writing session complete with a cranky toddler, who I refused to let distract me, and I LOVE what I have down. It will need editing and fleshing out, but the premise is really unique and marketable. I'm excited.

To close out the day, we went for a walk. It was a tough one, but I still enjoyed it.

Here's to not forgetting the licorice anytime soon!

Weekend Report

Saturday went better than expected. I managed a (slow) walk in the heat of the day, which was no small feat given that it's August in June around these parts. I'm having some issues with lack of appetite that concern me, at it's often a bad sign, and there's still some limb weakness as well, but, overall, the day was good.

Still steroid free.

When I stop falling asleep in the afternoon, I'll be convinced the worst is over. That almost happened today, but then I zonked out against my will. Don't worry, the toddler did a cannonball into my stomach and woke me up.

The writing has been hard again. I had three stories, all pretty much at the mid-point and I had to drop everything in May as I was too sick to work. Coming back to the murky middle of three stories has sucked.

One I worked on for a while, got irritated and called it done. About the best I can say is the story structure is in place (i.e. beginning, middle, end), but it will need a lot of editing and plot hole fixing. About 60% done.

The second, I think is going better. I just finished condensing the story elements and now just need to finish the end. It will still require edits, but the more cosmetic ones, not heavy structural edits. It's more like 80% done.

The third should be easy peasy. But no, it's not. It's been giving me fits. That one is like -500% not done. And it's pissing me off because it's a good story that shouldn't be that hard to finish.

On the up side, I have multiple five star reviews on a short I released before I got sick. From people I don't know. (This is kind of remarkable because it's more common to get either no reviews or bad ones than anyone saying anything nice.) People really like that story and let me just take a moment to say 'neener-neener' to the anthology that passed on it.

Is it selling any books? No, of course not, that would be too easy. But any time I don't think I can write, I go back and look at all those five star reviews from complete strangers who have no obligation to say the nice things they are saying.

And then I go beat my head against the three stories in process some more. If it stays this hard, I'll be scrapping them all and just start something completely new. It's not like I don't have ideas.

Oddities and Delicacies

So, yep, the toddler has a growth inside her ear. Not sure how they are going to remove it, but the ped wasn't going to touch it. "Umm yeah, that's a growth alright. Huh, it's attached. Oh, sorry honey, did that hurt?" So we move on to ENT. I'm rather wary of the whole thing.

Of note, it's in the left ear and was quite swollen the day we first saw it (it has since shrunk). Makes ya wonder if that's the root cause of the recent band-aid addiction? She hasn't always had it as she's had regular check-ups, so it's new-ish, but I can dream that its removal will cure all that ails her, right?

Also, we still are on alien watch. You just never know when those things are going to hatch out of someone's head.

As for food. I made almond-flax blueberry pancakes. Absolutely delicious and they take 5 minutes to make. I was sorry I didn't make any for myself. The toddler ate them. This time. She's famous for eating anything once so I'm not holding my breath. But I liked them and at least I can (and will) make them for myself.

Monday was day three of no steroids. I don't want to jinx anything as I don't think I'm quite home free, but it's going better than expected. I'm starting to feel like things will actually get better as opposed to having nightmares every night that I'm dying and can't get up (for realz, nightmares, adds a whole new layer of suck to being sick).

Today is my next alternative medicine IV and my follow-up with the Integrative MD. This will be the first time I've seen them whilst also being in possession of all my mental faculties. Pray they find a vein. The hour long roto-rooter sessions are getting old.

And what else? Writing is finally falling into a groove. For a while there, every time I sat down to write, I felt like a stroke victim. The words would not come, I was just blank and empty. Probably still recovering. I had to walk away from one story for a while and focus on something that finally got me going again. I hope to finish the almost-final draft this week.

Sales sucked in May. June is looking better, but never count your book sales before they're made.

Here's to a better week than all of last month and to finally maybe turning the damn corner.

Loop-de-Loop

So, weak and loopy today. Still having some GI symptoms along with abdominal pain.

I wasn't going to type 'abdominal pain' because I don't want it to be true.

Anyway, I will try to out-rest this, but if tomorrow still sucks, I will do 5mg. But OMG that will be such a f*cking pisser! Geez Louise, this is just not fair. I was feeling so good too!

As for the edema, I've been doing some knee lifts and squats throughout the day just to keep fluid moving around. I also slept with my feet up again, as I've been doing all week. The weather is cooler today which helps, I think. Plus, I keep slamming back water followed by more water, trying to flush my system. It has to even out soon.

Tried Kombucha today as fermented foods aren't really part of my diet and that's something I'd like to change. It's kind of a weird taste. Like a fruit wine. It's also pretty low carb, just 7g per serving which was a nice surprise.

Hubby took the toddler this morning so I had some time to work (although, let's face it, me getting up and out in the world is so not happening today anyway). Re-wrote the set-up for a short paranormal story. Didn't like the first attempt. Now I'm happy and excited to finish the story.

I also made this in Photoshop. I'm trying to learn how to do this stuff as I actually really enjoy it and it saves me money if I can do my own graphic design.



And this was an exercise I did in 'warping'. I thought it was cool at least.



PS: The fridge is still broken. Ha. Fortunately, it works for the most part so we can use it, but it leaks water constantly.

The House of Sick and Well

First, thanks for all the comments. Sorry to be so quiet, just crazy to the max over here.

I am doing well. I saw the endo and I've been discharged unless things suddenly slide backwards, which, you know, is actually possible and scares the shit out of me. But I was glad to leave a doctor's office on an optimistic note for once.

The endo agrees that I will need to stress dose for illness and that I may have to play exercise by ear, but the fact that my system now shows some ability to stabilize itself is good. I didn't have that ability even last summer when I stopped steroids and was supposedly 'cured', so this is good progress and took nine months.

Damn, just counted that out. Kind of slow, no?

Anyway, onward and upward. I just hope my endo has learned as much as I have about this adrenal shiznit.

I did get them to laugh. They had tested my thyroid last visit and when they said the results were normal, I snorted and said, "Of course, thyroid would be too normal and easy."

Doesn't seem so funny when I write it out, but I believe that if I can make someone laugh, we'll get along okay.

The toddler is sick and managed to get us all worried last night when she bloomed a huge red... hive? on her cheek. Pink eye came with a nasty cold for her and she's not getting better, just morphing into different kinds of sick.

She stopped eating or caring about food on Saturday which, that never happens. Whether she actually eats anything or not is immaterial, this kid bugs me for food like she's part labrador retriever. Half the time she doesn't even eat it. So I notice when she's not nagging me about lunch two hours early.

I flirted with that cold a lot myself and was quite adrenal on Saturday, but decided not to take steroids unless I got worse. I wheezed a bit. Hacked a bit and now seem fine? So a win for my immune system.

Other than that, I'm good. Toddler is adorable. OMG. She kills us. She is so bossy and funny right now. I keep forgetting to write down all her best lines to preserve them for posterity. We're so senile, we have pillow talk about how cute and funny she is before we go to sleep, but neither of us can remember what she actually said.

Writing has been interesting. I am making money and I continue to work furiously to position myself to make more. However, whenever individuals make any serious money online, corporate interests move in to seize the pie. There's a lot of market consolidation now, which is resulting in fewer avenues of distribution and less opportunity for independent writers.

Big Business realized we could take their space on best seller lists and get our own movie deals (not me, others) and they have made a series of competitive strikes the last few weeks. I think they thought that their eye for quality was so precise that independent authors were surely all dreck and a non issue in terms of competition. To their surprise, they've missed quite a few gems and are getting spanked online.

Having observed this business pattern before, I would say that the golden era of being an independent author is dimming. If you were toying with the idea, don't wait too much longer.

All Over the Place Update

I'm still here, just absolutely consumed with my goal of getting 2 novellas and a novel ready for publication before the end of the year. (Actually, yesterday would be ideal.) If you've ever written seriously, you know this is a huge task and it is very time consuming.

The cover came back for one novella and it is stunning. The response has been overwhelmingly positive and it has garnered attention in the best way. So #winning. (Yes that is a Twitter hashtag, I am now a Twit too.)

Right now, the novella is with an editor (the most affordable one I could find, crossing fingers they are as good as their sample seemed to indicate) and I expect to release it late August/early September.

For the next two weeks the toddler is going to Vacation Bible School to learn about Jesus while I write sex scenes. (That makes me giggle.)

I feel okay. Here is the interesting thing...

The weight loss has screeched to a halt and reversed itself a bit. My blood pressure has ratcheted up to 130/90 and I don't feel particularly adrenal. My energy is pretty even which is the only nice thing I have to say about my body right now.

So I would guess that when I was running 100/60, feeling woozy and dropping weight and feeling adrenal, that there really was something funky going on.

The physiology has shifted again and not in my favor.

It irks me to no end that I show up, I put forth the effort, I exercise, I watch what I eat, I take the medications I'm given and nothing changes. Hell, I took how many years of pre med classes for what? Chronic health impotence. Where's the Viagra for that?

When can I write #winning when it comes to my body? When does the application of intelligent effort actually get me somewhere health-wise??????