Still Kicking

It's been a little over a week since my last post.

To mimic my daughter, What? (You have to say it in a freakishly high falsetto to get the full effect.)

The toddler lost another tooth! She's made $4 so far from the tooth fairy. I checked her other teeth and nothing else seems to be loose at the moment. I hope we're done for now. I'm not ready for her to be a big kid...even if she is taller than every second grader we've met to date.

I don't really remember what I've been doing the last week or so. Bought new tennis shoes which promptly gave me a blister the size of a quarter. In the process of shopping for the shoes, I apparently exceeded flip-flops' ability to cushion feet and did something to my right calf muscles. Something deep that did not respond to massage, stretching or light exercise. This has all precluded exercise for the most part...the blister especially is being quite a pest and not healing well. I use a lot of band-aids.

As far as energy...I'm in and out. I'm still miles better than I was, but it's not rainbows and unicorns every day either. I wish!

The hubby bought tickets to take me out on a dancing cruise. I was so excited. The day of the cruise arrived and I felt horrible. I had a terrible headache and stomach pain with serious fatigue. Whenever I sat down, I had my head in my hands. I probably looked like I was about to have motion sickness. We did dance a little bit and I enjoyed that, but it was a bust overall.

I tried to rise above it. I took a bunch of Advil. Even had a pop--the full sugar version--hoping the caffeine and carbs would perk me up, but nothing helped.

Writing has been keeping me busy and is the primary reason for my absence of late. In the last six weeks I wrote the equivalent of a short novel in terms of word count and have been working to publish everything. Writing has been so consuming that I've had to force myself to take days off. Except I'm terrible about taking time off. I try though.

Sales have been good. On one retailer they are dying but on another, they are experiencing exponential growth. I may see real money this month. Maybe. If nothing goes wrong (which happens a lot in this business).

I suspect no one here cares, but I think my next step may be to write something for an e-press. I think I want to tap into their mailing lists and marketing as a way to expand 'brand awareness' for my pseudonym. We'll see.

The other goal is two more cook books. It feels like everyone is asking for my almond flour recipes. So if I compile the recipes for those who want it, might as well publish them all. And I'm kind of obsessed with 'dump and go' crockpot recipes. Between writing and parenting, I love it when I can dump a bunch of stuff into the crockpot in five minutes or less. Crockpots are the easy button of motherhood.

Oh and I may be starting a non-fiction project with someone else, who has the necessary professional credentials. I might be going to a conference this fall to gather data for the project and am looking forward to it (if it comes to pass). This is kind of cool because for a loooooong time I was afraid to make any plans since I never knew if I was going to be okay or not.

Vacation Schmacation

My daughter is loving vacation. She lost her first tooth this week! At four! Now no one will believe me when I say she's not six. She's swimming and playing 'mermaid' and diving for rocks in the water like she's eight.

The hubby is loving vacation. Throwing the toddler up in the air. Building sand castles. Riding bikes. Helping the toddler curate her burgeoning rock collection.

Me? I wish I had stayed home.

I like schedule and routine and I had a good, productive groove going. Now it's been ripped up by the roots and set on fire.

Plus I've had some kind of cold the last few days. I'm finally feeling better but I really miss my bed at home.

Can you tell I'm a homebody?

I mean, I like to travel and all, but this is our fourth visit to the same (small) place and my (large)extended family is here which is always stressful. I'm ready for something different. I would be okay if we missed a year of this vacation.

I'm glad that we'll be on our way home tomorrow. There I know how much I can do, whereas here I make myself sick. I want to be where I know the rules of the game.

Where There's Smoke

The cold is on its way out. I think. Since I've blown my nose exactly once...I doubt it's going to morph into anything exciting. Although I'm still lagging on the energy front.

Getting up at 5:30 this morning did not help. The hubby's alarm went off, a death knell for sleep, at least for me.

And suddenly I can't go to sleep so well.

I can't stop thinking about the circus.

Seriously.

We went and they were hiring and it captured my imagination. Then I found a PBS documentary and watched it with rapt attention.

Now it plays in a loop in my head, looking for story angles.

During the day, there's too much going on for daydreaming, but when I finally lay down for the night, there's literally a three ring circus in my head.

Sleep issues on both ends don't help.

Our third house guest of the year has arrived. Conveniently, no one mentioned they smoke like a chimney.

My airways not only react to actual smoke, but also the residue on the smoker's skin and clothing. The severity of the asthmatic reaction depends on how stable my lungs are.

This teeny tiny cold has destabilized my lungs. Someone had a fire a few nights ago and one whiff of that had me hacking like I was a smoker. We had to seal up the house and run the a/c.

So I'm bit anxious about how this is going to go.

That Floating Feeling

The cold is plodding along. I'm feeling faded and blah but trying to keep up with all the things that need to be done before our next house guest arrives.

Yes, I do take lots of C etc... to try and beat these bugs. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes not.

I've actually been taking a cocktail of C, zinc, and D every day now because I had this epiphany that...

If I exercise and that makes me feel like I'm getting sick, but I improve with vitamins, then maybe I should take them every day and prevent the whole thing in the first place.

Duh.

So the vitamins work well against adrenal whatsits exercise colds, but not so much for actual bugs.

So far, it's mild. The toddler has lots of gunk though, I'm hoping it won't hit me.

On the writing front... I just have to get this out of my system...one of my colleagues has hit it big and is fielding offers from large publishing conglomerates with many multiples of six figures involved. It's so cool.

However, I have to say, if a writer can out-earn a traditional publishing offer with three months of sales on their own, do they really need a publisher? Something to think about... do publishers think writers can't do the math? I'm surprised at how low their offers are against what a writer is actually earning.

Shh! Don't Jinx It

I don't want to say anything about my health because it's in flux and I don't know where it's going to land so might as well wait and see before I devote hundreds of words to it, yes?

So here's some random nonsense for you...

1.Do you ever catch yourself watching one of those drug commercials and as they list the side effects you're going 'yes I have that, yup that too, yeah and that' only you don't take the drug?

I had a moment like that the other day and it cracked me up.

2.Several Olympians have the same diagnosis as my daughter and that makes me happy. Not that they have a diagnosis, but that it didn't stop them. I worry a lot about doors closing for her, maybe I don't need to worry at all.

3. When I was at the hospital visiting my friend, I told her 80 something roommate who was about to be released that she should go see Magic Mike to celebrate. It had been a topic of loud conversation and she asked what it was so....

We tried to explain Magic Mike to her in polite terms and finally I just told her it was 'life affirming.'

So that's me, witnessing about Magic Mike to little old ladies in the hospital. Ha. I'm either exactly who you want visiting you in the hospital or your worst nightmare.

4.I have set an ambitious writing goal for myself in the midst of a hugely busy month. August is crazy over here. One relative left. The next relative arrives next week. I have a week long sales gig thing at a preschool. Plus summer camp. Visits with relatives having babies. And a vacation. Things are so jam-packed I can't keep track of it all and have double-booked myself several times now.

That's a great time to decide to finish a huge project, right? What can I say? When the muse is hot, the muse is hot. You don't say no to the muse. I'm about 60% done with the project and hope to have all the rough drafts done before we go on vacation later this month.

I'm close. The plot is giving me fits though. I'm ready to end the thing and it just keeps going. We'll see what happens.

If I'm scarce here, it's because I'm focusing very intently on meeting my goal. If I'm posting all the time, that means I'm procrastinating mightily. As I'm doing right now.

So no, I'm not dead, but I might be off killing my characters if they don't start cooperating soon.

The Energy Report

Yesterday, energy was good. Geared up for a walk, but abruptly pooped out before I could put on my shoes. Other than that, felt like my usual self for the better part of the day.

Today, energy was not so good. In and out most of the day. Sucked it up as best I could.

We took the toddler blackberry picking after her Tae Kwon Do class this morning. The hubby knows where they grow wild (and organic).

I am a lousy berry picker. At least when the bug population outnumbers me a billion to one. The hubby found all my shrieking to be quite entertaining.

However, he didn't see how the grasshoppers were trying to corner me. That was not funny. So not funny.

I am not a bug person.

Then how did I spend three months in the rain forests of Central America?

By visiting during the 'winter' season when the bugs are less prolific. Today, I couldn't take a single step without something flying up out of the grass at my face. For comparison, that did not happen once the entire time I was in the rain forest*. And we only picked berries for an hour.

So, to recap, I'm tired, as usual. I scream when I see bugs and we picked some blackberries. And I hope to end the day with a walk.

Over and out.


*Okay yes, fire ants swarmed my shoes, but that was my fault. If I hadn't stood on the anthill, they wouldn't have bothered me. First rule of the rainforest, don't touch anything without looking to see what's there. Don't sit. Don't stand. Don't stretch your arms overhead. Don't play Marco Polo in the bush. Look first, identify in guidebook, then touch.

Otherwise you might put your hand in the middle of a baby pit viper's coils.

Not that I would know everything anything about that.

Done

Man, am I tired today. Got hit with a wannabe cold that resolved nicely with vitamins last night, but the weakness was yucko and put me in bed. Today I'm still low on energy. Probably all fallout from the stomach whatsis.

Tomorrow we have nothing to do, nowhere to go and it seems the toddler is just as excited about that as I am.

I broke up with the mother's group. The ones I thought would care, cared and the ones I thought wouldn't, didn't. To my surprise, when I posted my 'au revoir' on the group, several other members added they were going too. The ones that cared.

I'm pretty sure they have no idea what my context is. I haven't said anything. I did give the moms I liked a heads up that I was leaving, but didn't go into detail. However, the group hasn't been very functional for over a year. They haven't been able to attract or retain new members and membership has dwindled down to seven families. I suspect that is driving the decision for the other moms.

The writing is on the wall for the group. I will be surprised if they survive now that they've lost 40% of their membership.

Now all that's left is to defriend.

Defriending

Hi. Sorry for the long silence. I'm doing okay adrenal-wise, but other things have not been so positive.

I experienced a nasty mommy drive by (when mommies are mean to other mommies)over a week ago that has left me questioning whether I will continue with my mother's group.

This would involve lots of Facebook defriending, which I've been agonizing over. To defriend or not defriend, that is the question.

I think I've decided to unjoin the group and defriend various members, but now have to navigate that with some social grace. The social network includes folks who don't know what happened and I have no idea how to extract myself without raising questions and causing a certain amount of drama.

It's hard to explain what happened without dragging you through petty details that no one who is not directly involved cares about. Short hand, I was verbally bitchslapped like a bad dog in front of everyone. My husband witnessed the whole thing and his first question to me when we talked about it later was 'Why do you spend time with these women?'

And I thought, you know what? Why do I bother with them? They've never been a good match for me. I stayed with the group because it was the easy button for keeping the toddler busy.

(Strangely the toddler doesn't like most of the kids, which must be a sign of some kind.)

Being sick didn't help me make any strong social connections either. Part of this is due to being sick. I couldn't do all the mommy bonding events and that left me the odd mom out.

This may not seem like a big deal or maybe it appears over-dramatized, I don't know. What I do know is that it shook me to my core. I became very insecure about who I was and if I was worthy. I was called names and assigned unflattering labels. Spoken to like the lowest of the low.

So I've spent the last week going to my real friends, the people who've known me for decades, asking them what the truth was. Because I was no longer sure. Maybe I secretly was a horrible person and was just too dumb to see it.

But my friends have rejected that and reassured me the things that were said to me were not true. Even if they were, there were ways to address them with kindness and respect, neither of which were utilized the day of the mommy drive-by.

The whole experience has been emotionally wrenching for me. Some of it centered on the toddler's diagnosis, something she just received from the neurologist, which I may or may not delve into in a later post. The last time I shared anything about it, I was publicly ripped apart

State of the Pajamas

This summer has been busier than I anticipated. First the toddler has summer camp. The second we got our tax refund, I signed her up. Then I got sick. Then I started this alternative medicine thing, which is like a serious hobby in terms of time commitment.

I have very distinct memories of being four and know who I was. I was self-contained. I played independently--every day. I was quiet (which is a good quality for a minister's kid because you have to sit through all those sermons and behave). Once I could read, I just took a book with me everywhere my parents dragged me. Books kept me entertained in a facsimile of exceptional behavior, allowing my parents to look amazing as opposed to merely lucky.

Enter my daughter, who is a social butterfly. She can't play independently. And she whines like a tornado siren with a broken 'off' button.

It's not that I expected her to be exactly like me, more that I thought she'd be at least a little like me. Or perhaps easy going like her Dad.

But no, not happening. The cognitive dissonance between what I know about four and how she is four is one of my biggest challenges as a parent--I'm in one lane, she's levitating on the Jetsons' superhighway.

She is who she is, my problem is I don't know this personality type well. So I keep her busy busy busy.

All summer I've been getting up early to either take her to summer camp or go to the clinic or both on the same day. Being so ill in May, of course, made it extra hard. I just need (needed?) a lot more rest than I did before bronchitis hit--although that is slowly improving.

This past week, I really felt the need to slow down, but we just had something every day and were even double-booked in spots. Sunday was going to be my lazy day, but my friend took me out to see Magic Mike (hubba hubba). As much as I appreciate having the energy to do everything, I just want to set all the balls down and take a short break. Catch my breath. Smell the roses.

I'm supposed to be somewhere today, but I canceled in favor of lolling in bed, snuggling with my daughter. Plans consist of an elliptical work out, baking almond flour cookies and generally puttering my ass off.

It's official. Today's a pajama day.

Forward Motion

Sunday went well. It started pretty crappy--I just could not get up and I had some adrenal pain. Realized I forgot to take the licorice again. So that was probably causing drama. Liberal application of caffeine helped.

The odd thing, I don't really feel like the licorice has an effect...unless I miss a dose. Then I notice it. Had all sorts of steroid withdrawal muscle pain as well.

The hubby and I got out to see a movie, a rare treat. We saw Men In Black 3, which we enjoyed, although I have to force myself not to think too hard or else the plot holes get to me. We laughed, we cried (it was quite poignant in spots) and had a good time.

We tried to eat out at the Mediterranean place we like, but they couldn't remove tomatoes from anything. While I hope Doctor Alternative is right and it's just the treatment and not an allergy, the fact my nose swells shut with tomato consumption makes me cautious.

So we went home and I made my own damn Fattoush salad (without the glutinous pita or the nasal blocking tomatoes). Don't have any pictures of it, but it was delicious. Just wish I could find organic parsley.

Then I started a new story. Despite the threats in my last post, I had not intended to, but the story started flashing through my head in technicolor which means I have to write it NOW or lose it. It's an idea I've had on my to-do list for a while, so my sub-conscious must've been gnawing on it.

I think I wrote 2000 words in 30 minutes. It was a crazy writing session complete with a cranky toddler, who I refused to let distract me, and I LOVE what I have down. It will need editing and fleshing out, but the premise is really unique and marketable. I'm excited.

To close out the day, we went for a walk. It was a tough one, but I still enjoyed it.

Here's to not forgetting the licorice anytime soon!

TGIF

A few quick pictures.

First up. This is what 'graduation from physical therapy' looks like. Lots of band-aids. Mostly to protect wounds from additional falls. All on the left, although she's got bruises on the right. She's consistent in telling me it's her hip giving out.


After I took that pic, she removed the band aids (not my preference as she falls enough I like their protection for healing scrapes and wounds) and then messed up her big toe. This is my attempt to stanch the rather profuse bleeding.


Then I made almond-flax 'toast'. Texture is just like bread, flavor is not. It's not bad different, just not bread. It will grow on me--hell, this is nothing compared to greens powder.




I made an egg mcmuffin with my almond-flax toast. It was yummy. Not my best pic, but I was very hungry.

Tireder with Extra Bitchiness

Sunday was not a rousing success, but, as is so often the case, you get one good day followed by a not so good day. So really it's all normal, right?

The bitchy part I wrote originally has been deleted. Let's all imagine sunshine and rainbows now! Your choice if it's after the apocalypse that destroys all the people you can't stand or after the aliens come and give us the key to world peace and leave us all singing kum-by-ya (or however the hell you spell it) in a round.

Magic Show

My head is stuffed with tidbits on Corporate Epistemology.

Don't ask or you'll never be able to shut me up.

Because I have way too many thoughts now about the epistemology of medicine.

In theory today is my last day at 10mg.

The asthma has been acting up, retracting all the skin on my chest until I can't 'pinch an inch' let alone even move the skin. I've been using the albuterol inhaler.

Otherwise, things are fine. Big birthday party for friend's kids today featuring a semi-famous magician whose been on TV, on shows you've heard of. Amazingly, their fees for bday parties aren't too bad. I'm impressed.

I found this quote to be inspiring and I share it in the hope that it does the same for you.

I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. -Ranier Maria Rilke

The Slow Come Back

I'm tired. I think it's the Melatonin I've been trying at night to sleep. I suspect 5mg is way too much and now I want to sleep all the time.

But then I have the 'pushing through jello' weakness in my limbs.

My lungs have been raw and I even had some wheezing, which has been rare this flare up.

I'm very cranky. Don't even look at me or I'll hurt you. Seriously. It's a low cortisol irritability but I don't plan to stress dose for severe bitchiness.

It's hard to tell what's up when there's just so much feedback. My body talks too much.

We did not make it to the graduation. My breathing got bad and I just decided to take it easy. We are pretty good at never missing big family events so hopefully people won't give me too much grief about it.

We are going to church today and down to a swim date, which I will probably sleep through. Or possibly stay home from, not sure yet.

I'm wearing new pants. I ordered them online in one of my oxygen deprived shopping sprees. Remember the ones that were too tight before so I didn't buy them? These are those. With the weight loss from being sick (which is slowly coming back, I think) they not only fit but are loose.

Loose is kind of bad because it means I need to find a new store. There are no more plus sizes for me.

Aside from the social impact of weight, fat is easier for me. Easier to dress. Better health. My most serious asthma flares the last six years were preceded by rapid weight loss. Nor does my cholesterol ever improve with weight loss. Or my blood pressure--that actually got worse.

But I do want to look nice in my kamikaze body. At least I can achieve that.

Sunday Pictures

Warning: Images of completely unphotogenic feet ahead. Prepare yourself.

First, the irises from what passes for a garden in our front yard. We've been putting the stalks that fall over into a vase. So gorgeous! I feel like doing a Van Gogh painting of them or something.


The toddler had her first Tae Kwon Do exam yesterday. SHE BROKE A BOARD! For the first time OMG! I am so proud of her.

Here she is warming up.




And here are my feet. They are much more slender in person. I'm trying to document the edema, but the camera adds so much fat that it's hard to capture photographic evidence. I probably need to change the angle so the image isn't so distorted, because, truly, my feet look totally different in real life.


And no, I still can't breathe. Going to bed now that I've posted this. Grandparents have the toddler today.

Survivor

Yesterday I had about two hours where I felt like I was going to kick this bug and then I started feeling like poo-poo again. I went to an event where everyone introduced themselves one-by-one, but I have absolutely no memory of people saying their names. None. So farking loopy from being sick.

But it's two more hours than I've had since this thing took over my body 12 days ago. So we'll see.

Took 5mg. Wished it had been 10mg, but I'm trying not to get carried away. Steroids won't kill this bug and it's serious enough that steroids can't compensate for it fully either. I could take 100mg and it wouldn't do anything, I don't think.

Tried the green powder in a strong black tea with coconut oil. That seems to be doable. The yogurt wasn't working anymore for me. I don't know that I'll ever get up to the 2 tbsps. 'prescribed' for me, but I am trying.

And also still wiping green slime from the walls. Apparently I evicted it with some force.

Mother's Day was okay around these parts. Did you know that the day after Mother's Day is the day women sign up on affair sites en masse? It is the busiest day of the year for those companies. I did not have that compulsion this year (or any other year, for the record), but this cold just makes everything hard. I almost cancelled everything to go to Urgent Care instead.

Our big tradition is that we avoid restaurants (crazy crowded, not my thing) and just stay home, planting flowers and eating take out/grilling.

But somehow we got sucked into a restaurant meal. Mine was awful as all the broccoli tasted like greens powder.

Thankfully, we had time to go buy flowers and plant them afterwards (which is to say the hubby did all the work), which made my day. Once they are in full bloom, I'll take a picture. We have a gorgeous wall of irises in the back (blooming two months early thanks to climate change) and then annuals in front of them.

Sunday Pictures

The toddler had her dance recital.


She did great despite being very nervous.


Here's a picture of the orange-mint water. (Like you care, I know, but I'm really excited about it still.)



And a picture of Kombucha. It's an interesting drink. Like a fruit beer. (I don't like beer, which is why I don't drink, but this was okay. It made me think I could eventually graduate to beer someday.)




As for how I feel? Eh. You know the answer. Like poop. 5mg wasn't enough. I need more. Not sure if I'll be brave enough to take 10mg today or not, but I probably need it.

I've lost about 5lbs from not eating either due to lack of appetite/heart burn. It's not new weight loss, just a swing down on the waffle range. New weight loss will be next.

For extra fun, on Saturday some passing cigarette smoke exposure triggered an acute asthmatic reaction.

Then I got to the point where, if I sat too long, I started to fall asleep. I'm just really tired and I can't seem to wake up.

Loop-de-Loop

So, weak and loopy today. Still having some GI symptoms along with abdominal pain.

I wasn't going to type 'abdominal pain' because I don't want it to be true.

Anyway, I will try to out-rest this, but if tomorrow still sucks, I will do 5mg. But OMG that will be such a f*cking pisser! Geez Louise, this is just not fair. I was feeling so good too!

As for the edema, I've been doing some knee lifts and squats throughout the day just to keep fluid moving around. I also slept with my feet up again, as I've been doing all week. The weather is cooler today which helps, I think. Plus, I keep slamming back water followed by more water, trying to flush my system. It has to even out soon.

Tried Kombucha today as fermented foods aren't really part of my diet and that's something I'd like to change. It's kind of a weird taste. Like a fruit wine. It's also pretty low carb, just 7g per serving which was a nice surprise.

Hubby took the toddler this morning so I had some time to work (although, let's face it, me getting up and out in the world is so not happening today anyway). Re-wrote the set-up for a short paranormal story. Didn't like the first attempt. Now I'm happy and excited to finish the story.

I also made this in Photoshop. I'm trying to learn how to do this stuff as I actually really enjoy it and it saves me money if I can do my own graphic design.



And this was an exercise I did in 'warping'. I thought it was cool at least.



PS: The fridge is still broken. Ha. Fortunately, it works for the most part so we can use it, but it leaks water constantly.

Stressing

We are on attempt five to repair our refrigerator. I am stressing because the last three repair teams from the Best Buy Geek Squad said the entire plastic backing would have to be replaced because it's frozen to whatever is behind it and can't be removed without cracking.

Today's Einstein is trying to melt the ice with a blow dryer.

Which I had to provide.

Because he didn't have the tools to do his job.

He also doesn't have the backing piece, which I know was ordered. At least twice. But still hasn't arrived.

Because Best Buy and Samsung are run by monkeys who've had their frontal lobes removed.

So I guess he's just trying to make do.

But I have this awful feeling that it will be at our expense. That we will be buying a new fridge anyway. That I will be throwing out food because it's going to be 90F today and he's going to take an hour to melt the damn ice. The cooler will only hold so much.

As for the adrenals, I had great energy yesterday. Awake, alert--the ever elusive normal that I crave. I had a Coke Zero too and wow! Can I get a ZOOM ZOOM? I love caffeine. In pop. Not so much in tea because it just doesn't hit my system the same way.

I was wired yesterday in the most delicious way. I would love to do that every day, but I truly don't believe that pop in any form is really all that good for you. Not that the anti-pop science I've seen has been all that convincing. However, I do think, if they keep looking and graduate to double-blind placebo type investigations vs. the weaker observational studies I've seen dominating the media, that, eventually, the evidence of diet pop's badassery will be irrefutable.

Meanwhile, I will attempt to keep my caffeine-in-pop addiction confined to one or two indulgences a week. And maybe try harder to get hooked on coffee (blech).

Speed Typing

I have two minutes. Why am I here? Procrastinating! Say it with me now! Pro-cras-ti-nating.

Yesterday was the first day I didn't have to take a nap. I had one wave of weakness and fatigue and that was it.

Here are things I think about.

What do people in Asia do about soy sauce and high blood pressure?

What do Italians with GERD do about all the tomatoes?

I wonder how culture influences medical treatment/advice in those cases.