Oopsie

Thursday we went to the pool and it pulled me under with its weightless deceptions. I overdid it, despite being very aware and careful of not doing too much.

Big ol' fail at the pool.

I had a great time screwing myself up though.

Today I'm dealing with profound fatigue.

It's not bad enough to stress dose, but I think I need a day of nothing exciting to just recuperate.

I wonder if I'll get that day any time soon?

Right now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go lay in some a/c for a bit. At this rate I'll turn 'out resting' into an Olympic Sport!

Magic Show

My head is stuffed with tidbits on Corporate Epistemology.

Don't ask or you'll never be able to shut me up.

Because I have way too many thoughts now about the epistemology of medicine.

In theory today is my last day at 10mg.

The asthma has been acting up, retracting all the skin on my chest until I can't 'pinch an inch' let alone even move the skin. I've been using the albuterol inhaler.

Otherwise, things are fine. Big birthday party for friend's kids today featuring a semi-famous magician whose been on TV, on shows you've heard of. Amazingly, their fees for bday parties aren't too bad. I'm impressed.

I found this quote to be inspiring and I share it in the hope that it does the same for you.

I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. -Ranier Maria Rilke

Still with the Allergies

The asthma has remained activated since salsa Sunday. My nasal passages are inflamed and swollen, similar to how I couldn't breathe through my nose after an allergic reaction to Cipro a few years ago.

Energy is in the toilet (when is it not?) with lots of weakness. I was not seriously considering sleeping on any flat surface yesterday like I had been on Sunday, but I was only a hair above that. I really probably should've stress dosed, but I didn't.

Take that, adrenals.

Here are some pics. I'm still working on a food project and I have cute dogs.

This is our beloved black lab. 12 years young and wise beyond her age. Best dog I've ever known. It was 90F+ on Monday so we got the pool out for the dogs.

Here's our yellow lab. Yeah, he looks cute, but his beauty regimen consists of eating poo.


This was breakfast a few days ago. Sauteed kale and onions topped with scrambled eggs and seasoned with tumeric and paprika. It was good.


Vegetarian taco salad: salsa, guacamole, beans, peppers, lettuce, cheese. I took this before I realized I can't eat tomatoes or peppers anymore.


Wild blueberry sorbet. Delicious. I was going to add low carb ice cream, but it didn't need it. Incredibly decadent for a one ingredient dish.

A Few Words

I still have general low level of fatigue going, but no weakness, so improvement. Planning on a walk later tonight.

I am toying with the idea of stress dosing right when the pill pack ends to see if I can head this nonsense off.

And that's all I have time for.

Boogie-Woogie

Today was better, but then I did the boogie-woogie to Maroon 5 and now I'm tired.

I would like to not take steroids, so we'll see how it shakes out. I think there's some GI weirdness brewing just to keep things fun.

But who cares? Not when you can be obsessed with Game of Thrones. We are almost done with season one. I have been reading the synopses of the various novels in the series. It's rather ugly once you delve into it.

The Science Fiction and Fantasy genre (genres?) have misogynistic roots. I've met a few of the old guard at various conventions and we need a new word to describe them as pervert doesn't quite cover it.

So I should not have been shocked at the p edophilia and r ape and general abuse of women in the novels.

But I am. Probably because quite a bit of it has made it onto the screen in HBO's adaptation of the novels. It's in my face and I don't like it.

In the books, a thirteen-year-old is married off and r aped. On-screen, they made her sixteen and faded to black just as he began to r ape her.

The thing that squicks me out is you know the producers had to decide how old was okay to
r ape a character without causing an uproar. And they came up with sixteen. Ugh.

Second, there's a scene in the first season with naked children outside a brothel that procures young boys for older men. It's a quick scene, but it really bothered me. What do those parents say to their kids when they are old enough to watch it? I googled to see if anyone else caught it and not one complaint.

Why do I watch it? The political intrigue is fascinating and the actors are fantastic, and sadly, it's fairly representative of the genre's treatment of gender issues. This is what's out there for those of us who like the genre. The few authors with a more sensitive approach to gender, didn't pack their work with raunchy, taboo sex, so no HBO deals for them.

Really a 10

Took 5mg this morning. I could not get out of bed. Could not wake up. We missed church because I am the motor of the family, if I don't move, no one else does. Once I finally heaved myself upright, 5mg seemed like salvation.

Only, as usual, I should've gone for 10mg.

But sometimes I think it's all made up,that it's all a lie my body tells me, so I hesitate to take too much in case it's a mistake.

However, 5mg got me up and dressed, out for lunch and to the grocery store as if nothing had ever happened. Now I'm batch cooking. Soup. Chicken. Almond muffins. Making the hubby's lunch for the week as he's decided to low carb too now.

Between oven timers, I rest because shortchanging the dose allows me to power through, but not power up.

Definitely early to bed tonight.

Not sure what tomorrow will be. New pill pack starts tonight, so maybe that will put me right for a while.

Hippity Hoppity

I think the iron supplements are helping, although it's only day 5, so pretty early to attribute anything to them. I just remember the last time I was iron deficient, it took about a week of supplements to notice an improvement.

In case anyone is wondering, as it seems low iron goes hand-in-hand with adrenal stuff, anemia is about 30% of the fatigue with 70% being the adrenal piece. So iron supplements will definitely give you a boost, if you need them.

I worked out fairly regularly last week, around the days where I was just flat-out exhausted. I'm still struggling with how to approach fitness when I'm constantly interrupted by one stupid thing or another. I'd like to be consistent, it's just very difficult to push myself when I'm sick or injured or absorbed in a project.

And I hesitate to get too ambitious now because I know the elliptical will be pulled out from under me the second I get anywhere. Maybe that's defeatist, but it also happens to be true.

For the record, I did an interval walk/run yesterday and today I have significant GI symptoms. It might just be something I ate or I may be on the slide down, we'll see.

Easter was fun, but hectic. We barely saw the hubby who tore down one wall on the garage and rebuilt it from the ground up. As I whined to him, we didn't do much together as a family with the holiday weekend. There wasn't much down time and lounging around as a family, which I missed.

The toddler forgot her Easter basket would be in the basement and sobbed hysterically until we reminded her. I've been stockpiling for her basket since January and the big hit was a hand-me-down pop-up tent with lounge chairs for her to play fort in.

I did have a chocolate bunny for her, but she's been getting so much candy from everyone else, I left it out of the basket and just did presents. Small things like books.

She went through her basket with exclamations of glee and then looked at me and said, "Where's the candy?"

I blamed the Easter Bunny. I told her he didn't eat enough vegetables to poop out jelly beans for every one. I suggested she sign up to help for next year, but even the promise of poop-turned-jellybeans can't get the kid to eat broccoli.

One last thing, I had water today flavored with orange and mint. It was awesome. Cut up two oranges, add mint, top with water and let marinate for several hours. Very refreshing....to adults, kids seem to hate it.

On a Deadline

Today kind of sucked. I have a few theories as to why.

One is sugar overload. I didn't eat much yesterday and what I did eat consisted of cookie dough, cookies and icing. I hosted the neighborhood kids for Easter cookie decorating--a practice I'm reconsidering since the mess of sprinkles was so prolific, I had to vacuum the table before wiping it off.

(The 12 year old boy did look like he would be willing to lick the table cloth clean, but the little bit of hoovering of sprinkles he did off his plate sort of squicked me out.)

So theory 1 is sugar hangover.

Theory 2 is I did another strength workout. Very light. I'm trying so so so hard to take it slow. I only added 10 more squat reps to the workout. This is not aggressive exercise. At all. It's like having a mini marshmallow kick your ass.

That would be the exercise hangover theory.

I revisited the 'too weak to push the shopping cart' and the sad zombie shuffle today. Blood pressure was perfect--not low, not high-- so I have no idea why I felt so woozy and off kilter.

The whole week has just been crappy.

Other symptoms in the line up: complete absence of hunger, abdominal/flank pain, limb weakness.

I haven't taken any steroids because I'm going with theory 1, although, if I can't get myself together by tomorrow I will have to consider 5mg.

As for B12 levels, that would be just way too easy. I supplement anyway, having learned that lesson the last time I suppressed in 1998. Adrenals need Bs.

Thumbs Up

Last I was here, I said I felt like I was getting sick. The usual array of low immunity symptoms had hit, but I wasn't sure why. It wasn't like I had done anything.

I took 20,000ius of D3, 75mcg of Zinc and 1000mg of C and improved. There seemed to be a distinct cause and effect between those vitamins and feeling better. I no longer felt as if a cold lurked in the shadows of a dark alley, just waiting to shake me down.

The next day I had a little bit of lingering sore throat and congestion, but I did my anti-bug cocktail again and now I'm attempting exercise.

The bruise on my knee is starting to go grey and I've been walking okay for a few days. Given the lack of other health weirdness, it seems like a good time to squat. The toddler and I are also going to take the black lab for a short walk.

The GERD has calmed down. My asthma is relatively well controlled (it's been iffy).

So thumbs up.

That Didn't Take Too Long

The second I had the thought "I've been feeling pretty good, my energy is great, I want to exercise," I became congested, sneezy and tired.

Ha.

I'm going to try and out-sleep it unless it becomes a full blown cold.

The GERD is rumbling too and I don't know why--I'm eating all the same things I always do.

My knee is purple and red all over the patella. It functions fine*, but hurts like a mofo if anything touches it.

Naturally, this means the toddler now kicks, bumps and rams my knee on a regular basis. I've slammed it into a few things myself, along with the other knee. It's a curse.

If I was into tattoos I would get a bullseye.

*For walking and daily life--not going to push things with actual exercise as it can get a bit achy.

Which Came First?

I think things are so rough right now because the pill pack ended and my body is not happy about the hormonal change. It hasn't hit me so hard in quite a while and I'm not sure what's driving it now.

So last night, I had an 'acid attack' also known as GERD gone wild. Or maybe it was the adrenal bit driving the GERD bit. I don't know, but doesn't it seem like every few weeks I'm dealing with nausea and stomach pain? There's a pattern there, just not sure how to interpret it.

Of course, being ill all night means today is not so great. I can't eat. I'm tired. Not feeling hot at all.

At least I didn't throw up, which seemed like a victory at the time. This morning, it feels quite hollow.

Someone asked about Marfan re: the toddler. You know, Abraham Lincoln had Marfan's. He was also quite depressed. This article from The Atlantic is amazing to read.

My great uncle had Marfan's, but he married into the family, so it's not in the bloodline. All this to say I know a teeny bit about Marfan's and she doesn't have the physical markers for it.

There are a lot of tall kids out here, it's the Eastern European genetic stock. They grow them big behind the former Iron Curtain and they come to the US and get bigger. How big is big? When I visited the husband's homeland, I was delighted to find shoe stores display the size 10 model, not the size 5 as we do in the US. (I wear a size 9-10.)

Having traveled to his hometown by way of Paris--where I was a gargantuan American towering over everyone and didn't even bother to try and shop for clothing there--it was like finding my people. The tall and the wide with fantastic Italian leather shoes in MY SIZE FOR ONCE.

Back in the states, the toddler has peers who are taller than her (they are always of Eastern European descent). I also work in the elementary school on occasion and wow, we have tall kids here. Gaggles of them. I think we should make our own growth charts to use because surely there's more than an average amount of kids off the charts for height.

Don't get me wrong, the toddler continues to be taller than most and there aren't a ton of kids her age who match her height, but she's not totally alone either. The motor stuff is just her though, I don't know of any peers having the same issue, but it's not Marfan's either.

I was clumsy, but not until later in childhood. I also had terrible penmanship, but never anything that crossed the line into needing therapy. I wouldn't have called myself coordinated until my 20s (although I had good ability in martial arts in my preteen years, I just couldn't walk without tripping and breaking a bone). Sometimes I think she just got a quadruple dose of all my faults.

50/50 Odds

The toddler has a bad case of the stomach flu, vomiting about every 15 to 30 minutes since 2 am, which means it's been about 7 hours now. There's nothing in her stomach and she's starting to produce small amounts of blood from the irritation.

She just looked at me and moaned, "Mommy, I'm a poor thing."

My poor baby. This is the sickest she's been since she was two.

A couple more hours like this and dehydration will become an issue. She's not been able to keep down any fluids, despite begging for them.

I have no idea if I'll get it. It's rather similar to the 'food poisoning' I had so I don't know if we just have the slowest moving stomach flu in history working its way through our family or if I'm deluding myself.

But the adrenals are putting out feelers. I have muscle spasms all over my body, way out of proportion to the work out I did two days ago. Very much like steroid withdrawal, only I'm not coming off steroids so I assume it must be a manifestation of inadequate stress response. And I'm tired. Not sure yet if I'll 'bounce' or sink.

You Are So Going to Roll Your Eyes

Thanksgiving was such a mess. All I can do is laugh.

First, I think I broke my ankle. Maybe. You aren't surprised at this point, right? Of course I would (allegedly) break a bone. The sidewalk looked even to me, but it was about 3" higher than the next panel. I rolled my ankle. Badly.

The entire joint is now swollen and I can't walk normally or do stairs. Initially, I could put weight on it, but not so much this morning.

I would kick something, but I only have the one good leg. Don't want to risk it. Not with my luck!

The real bad news is we have a New Year's Eve wedding invite. As in dancing. Staying in a hotel without the toddler for the first time in over a year. I knew there was a reason I hadn't bought a dress yet!

Hubby wanted me to go to the ER and I refused. Outright refused to be bothered by a maybe broken bone, which could be nothing more than a teeny tiny fracture that won't even require a cast (had those kinds of breaks before). I wrapped it, elevated it and told it to kiss my grits. That's about all I planned to do unless there were obvious signs of instability in the joint.

That's what I said yesterday.

This morning, the tune I'm singing is more.... Wow. This is much worse than I realized. I think maybe I went numb with denial there for a minute. Wow. Bad. Muscle strains from the arch up to my knee. Serious pain in the joint and it doesn't feel right. Will try to get an x-ray today.

After the ankle incident, we went home and saw on the news that the pumpkin in the pumpkin pie we've all been eating has been recalled. Don't eat it, they say. No information on what to do if it's too late for that. They don't know what the problem is but they do know we shouldn't eat it.

Great.

All my pies went into the garbage.

Some consumers have posted notes about diarrhea on the various news websites. So at least I won't panic about an adrenal crisis.

The thing is, my sense of taste has been off all of a sudden--food doesn't taste right or even good most of the time. I thought the pumpkin was funky, but everyone else said it was fine. So I just assumed it was me and my wonky taste buds.

On top of that I was exhausted all day. Just really wiped. I don't know if all the activity Wednesday was haunting me or what. Don't know if I'm just still digging myself out of the hole and recovering from the last few weeks or if something else is going on. Don't know anything other than steroids are like an on switch.

Arrived at Thanksgiving and was comatose with fatigue. Couldn't even talk, just whisper like a lame-o. Had to lay down until the 5mg dose kicked in and then I could talk and function.

I have lost yet another pound, but managed to eat stuffing and mashed potatoes. The turkey tasted funny to me so I fed it to the dogs. Then I fell apart again. It's like my battery just dies, so another 5mg and that seemed to do the trick for the rest of the day.

When it kicks in, I sit a little straighter and engage. It's really bizarre to feel that kick.

So I am doing better, but it's not perfect. Not yet.

One good thing, this has been the first morning I didn't wake up with bone crushing fatigue. That's a pretty significant change. Let's hope it marks the true beginning of more good than bad.

Adrenal Alert

Once again...sick. Just not vomiting yet.

Once again...having a hard time getting a hold of hubby. He's at work so should notice soon that I called and texted. Oh, there he is now calling be back.

I'm not vomiting. I think this is a good sign.

But other GI symptoms are active. Plus light headed, weak and dizzy. Having a hard time not making stupid typos. Week. Lightheading.

Tomorrow there's a post ready that was before this moment. Keep that in mind when you read it.

The Usual

I have lost another pound. I'm eating. I swear. There was even an actual sensation of hunger at one point.

Some burning in the back and abdomen--with strong intensity at times.

(Side note:Ran into another patient who experiences adrenal burning as opposed to pain. The ER kept asking me about pain and I kept telling them "It's not pain, I'm just on fire inside." The (completely impossible) mental picture I had? Was one in which the endoscopy had poked through my stomach and the acid was melting my innards. That's a solid 3 on my pain scale. I don't know, burning is just hot, it doesn't register as true pain for me. For comparison, steroid withdrawal muscle pain is a 7.)

Fatigue level was steady at 'I'd rather be in bed' for most of the day. Perked up a bit at night and my appetite came for a visit.

Spent the day dealing with extended family stupidity and it wore on me. If you think I'm crazy...you just haven't met the rest of my family. Like the hubby says, "Your family makes me look good." To which I always say "Your family makes me look good." And it's true.

Anyway, went to work and sat on the floor with a kid who can't walk, which was a low key gig for me. The other teachers were running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Glad I got a pass, but I decided tutoring is the more adrenal friendly gig and maybe I should take on another student.

I'm trucking along despite it all. Still have no idea what's going to happen next although I'm rooting for turning the corner.