My Toddler's Embryos

Can you believe I used to think infertility was the hard part?

Amazing how perspective can change.

But you know what? Infertility is still hard.

Because I'm still infertile.

An infertile with some serious ethical issues.

Yes, I have issues. You're shocked, I know.

Here's the thing. As I hold my breath, cross my fingers, toes and spleen that the toddler is a-okay, there's more to it than just the toddler.

11 mores to be exact.

Frozen embryos.

For which (whom?) I must determine a fate.

I don't think I'm going to have any more kids. I would love one more child, but I'm getting too old and my adrenal glands are too lazy and I have all those tumors/nodules growing everywhere to deal with. Plus, money is an issue.

--To think I believed when I got pregnant that I had control over my future fertility, hahahahahaha. The universe spits on me and then grinds her stiletto in my back.--

Which leaves embryo adoption, destruction or research.

And hell if I know what I want to do.

Embryo adoption is of interest, but I have to be sure the toddler doesn't have some weird genetic thing. Not that I think she does, but it is an outlying possibility and I don't feel comfortable impregnating other women with my embryos until I know for sure.

Hopefully we'll know by early 2011 when the PT resolves her current challenges. So this is part of what is driving the whole toddler situation--she's got frozen siblings that I need to consider.

Also, there's the asthma factor. These kids are going to have lung issues and, given what I've gone through...ugh, would I do it to anyone else? Again? I don't know. I mean, obviously, I'm doing it to the toddler and it kills me to see her wheeze. Before I got pregnant, I thought I could handle it, now that I'm living it and am currently such a miserable asthmatic myself, not so much.

--Theory, meet Practice. Theory, feel Practice kicking your ass. Theory, here is Practice setting you on fire. Run Theory, run!--

On the flip side, those embryos are my babies and I will have a terrible time knowing someone else is raising my babies.

However, I hate the idea of destruction. Hate.

Research has limited palatability as well, but is better than destruction.

I feel like all my options suck right now, which I take as a sign that it's not time to make a decision. However, I am not really interested in paying for embryo storage into my dotage either, you know?