Yikes

The toddler had her first acute asthma episode last night. Thank Gawd I have asthma and can draw on that experience to help her.

It wasn't a bad attack, there was no retraction and she was nice and pink. However, she couldn't get air out, was wheezing, and had a tight, hoarse cough. She was also panicking. Fighting me. Fighting the inhaler, then the nebulizer. She was terrified.

It seemed like we were headed for the ER.

I rocked her and sang the lullabies I've sung since she was newborn to get her to calm down enough to accept the inhaler.

Then I tucked her in and climbed into bed with her. Just as when she had RSV as an infant, I kept vigil, a finger under her ribs to monitor each breath.

At 4am, she needed the inhaler again and then this morning as well. Now she seems fine other than having a case of the boogies.

Ack. Major momma guilt. I hate asthma. I hate my genetics.

Also, the hubby has to get with it medically. He was arguing with me about it not being asthma. In exasperation, I threw my slippers at him just to get him to shut up as I was in the throes of trying to calm the toddler so she would take medicine and he was just going on and on, amping up the tension, which did not help.

I don't know how anyone can live with me and not pick up a few medical tid bits here and there, but the hubby has managed to avoid any medical knowledge whatsoever. That is going to have to change if the toddler's asthma continues to flare.

Down to 4 & Toddler Preoccupations

I am trying to go full time with 4 pills of hydrocortisone starting today. It's about as much fun as you would expect.

I like the comment on the previous post from Bad Turns talking about doctor visits as a one off.

I DO feel like my care is a series of bad one-night stands, where there's no history factored in at all to our encounters. No one remembers what came before or even what they said. Worse they contradict themselves, then deny they do so and then dismiss me because to acknowledge what I'm saying would be to admit they aren't paying attention.

It's a perverse dementia where every time they see me, it's the very first time.

I am the only one providing continuity of care.

That is so so wrong.

So the practice of modern medicine sucks. Anything else new?

Why yes. Glad you asked.

The toddler is after to me to teach her how to read. She's 3. She has the foundation to read (knows her letters and phonics and has been reading some words since the age of 2) but I have no idea how to teach her how to read. I just taught myself.

And she can be a bit of a perfectionist and tantrums when she can't do things exactly right. Meaning she's a prickly pear.

I'm a little lost here.

Of course, I'm delighted. I love nothing more than to read and to raise a fellow bibliophile is a dream come true. I just don't know what I'm doing. I've been waiting for this moment, when she would combine her knowledge of phonics with a driving need to read, I just thought she would figure it out on her own.

She also fell down the stairs again. Just a couple steps. No blood. But sheesh. Stop already.

The physical therapist is bumping her up to bi-weekly and we may go weekly for a while. My frustration is, if she's not in therapy (and we had missed some sessions due to the holidays and illness) she regresses. So I feel like we're doomed to forever be in therapy which is super expensive and not yielding permanent results.

The whole thing is so frustrating.

Weekend Wrap Up

Saturday was just a fog of not quite right, but not really wrong-ness. Sunday, today, is the first day I'm feeling like I'm getting back to normal.

On 3mg unfortunately.

Honestly, I'm having a hard time growing a pair to attempt 2mg again. I think I might just camp here at 3mg for a bit.

Again.

The asthma is mostly okay. I guess I was sick after all? The neighbor had the same thing, 2 days of sore throat followed by gunky asthmatic lungs. The hubby is now gunky too but without the asthma. So it must have been some kind of mild virus.

Anyway, not a lot of pics from this weekend.

I made protein smoothies for the first time.

They tasted like effluvia from dead fish after they exited a troll's ass. Even with organic strawberries, raspberries, and blueberries.

Apparently, protein powers are very idiosyncratic. What tastes like ass to me, might be delicious to you. Huh. Hope that doesn't mean I have to try every single protein powder on the market to find one I can stomach.

In addition, FYI, yes it is possible to make that puce-mixed-with-purple color without food additives. That weird color is actually all natural. Who knew? If you've ever had a berry smoothie made by natural food nuts, you know what I'm talking about.

As for why I'm even bothering with protein powder, just trying to expand my horizons and low carb options.

I figured out how to make low carb nachos, which was huge. I am going to be doing lots of wicked nacho things in the near future! Pictured are garden vegetable pizza nachos made after that crescent roll cream cheese pizza appetizer everyone used to make back in the 90s. Delish. Recipe here.

Also made Goulash Soup, low cost, low calorie and low carb. Very yummy. I didn't even realize how good it smelled until I left the house and came back. Wow. Good stuff. Original recipe can be found here if you want to try it.

Tonight I will be making lemon caper chicken and hopefully mixing up the first batch of Christmas cookie dough for the freezer.

And exercising.

Last night we went shopping. The toddler has her first pair of jeans. With pink butterflies on the butt. Damn cute.

We managed to buy some Xmas gifts for her under her nose too. Hubby and I make a great team.

It is hard to see the toddler getting so big. She's my first and last making all my firsts as a parent also the last time too. My heart cracked a little when we passed the itsy bitsy holiday dresses for newborns.

Lastly, I am impressed that no one yelled at me for not getting a flu shot. The topic is such a flashpoint, I wondered if I was going to find myself in trouble.

For anyone who wondered, I meant to include the fact that I had the H1N1 shot last year so I am protected there and that is the more serious virus. Ironically, last year, I was not considered asthmatic enough to be given an H1N1 shot from the pulmonologist's limited stash. I had to wait until the drugstores had it available, which was sometime in January. This year? They are all over my ass.

Have a happy Sunday!

Sinus Singularity

So the geeks of the world (not doggin', I love me some hot geekery) like to talk about the singularity, the moment when computers become sentient. The odds of that happening are supposed to be good and science is all 'singularity this singularity that, someday machines will rule the world and hello Matrix meets reality'.

Whatever is all I have to say. There are more important things to study.

Like...what I want to know is who is looking at the singularity of boogers? You know, the moment that mucous becomes self aware enough to camp in your lungs and sinuses like a protester handcuffing themselves to the nuclear plant entrance.

Because I got me some sentient boogers and I don't know what to do with them.

Other than to share that this sick stuff? Is getting very old. So OVER it.

As for the adrenals, they are not happy with 3,2,3 alternate day dosing. To the point, I'm afraid to take just 2mg on days I need to drive. 3mg doesn't feel so hot either now. I feel like I've lost ground.

I have no idea what this means or what the right move is. I know my options, but without any blood work to give me some idea of what is or isn't happening with cortisol production, I don't know if I should tough it out or take more drugs.

I haven't completely tanked. But it is very close. Yesterday was bad, I couldn't function after noon and we had takeout for dinner. Today is marginally better but dinner is again looking like Too Much.

Funny how narrow life becomes with illness. I just want to make dinner and maybe do some squats.

How could that be too much to ask?

Anyway, I still had a great day yesterday. It was so good, nothing was going to bring it down. The toddler snuggled with me in bed and treated me to lots of hugs and 'I wuv you mommy'. Who wouldn't like that? Lovely start to the day.

Then we went to a vegetable propaganda and peer pressure event organized by my mother's group. The toddler got to make tomato salsa, corn salsa, fruit smoothies and veggie pizza. She tried everything but the corn, which I made her try one bite before she could have her smoothie. For the record, this is the first corn she has ever eaten in her life. Go peer pressure!

After the cooking, she got to run wild with 7 other kids.

Then we came home and the little neighbor girl came over for a while before nap time.

Later all the neighbor kids came over and 'put on a show' . I didn't understand the plot at all, but I think I clapped in all the right places.

Basically, what I'm saying, is the toddler was an absolute joy and despite the fatigue and other unpleasant adrenal-ness, it was not lost on me.

The Current List of Health Things on My Mind

1.The toddler had her first PT session. It was a huge relief for me. The therapist immediately saw and affirmed the subtle issues I've been seeing.

I have to say, doing the massage therapy thing, really highlights, for me, how little doctors seem to deal with the musculature of the body in their practices. Yet it is SO important to finding resolutions to pain and problems like the one my toddler is having.

I finally feel like we are doing something productive and proactive instead of farting around with go-nowhere office visits. This is a nice feeling.

Unfortunately, I am also seeing some symptoms (not new, but now more prevalent to where I can't blame it on imagination) in the toddler that are worrisome, but I'm trying to contain it until we see whether PT achieves anything or not.

The downside of the PT is now the toddler is in pain from the exercises and 1) That is really hard to deal with as a parent and 2) I haven't quite figured out how to coach her through the pain and 3) It's making everything worse (which I guess is normal as we are placing stress on already weak areas).

The toddler is also going to start a dance class and a preschool sports class (assuming I can get her in, registration is more competitive than Black Friday shopping, I may have to break down and camp out in front of the building). We were going to do this anyway but the therapist also recommended it.

2.I have really pissed off my neck and spine and my whole body just aches and I don't know why. I think it might be the season change? We've had a drastic cold snap this week and tomorrow it will be 90.

Probably wouldn't hurt to go to bed before midnight. Also the three times I had whiplash aren't helping either (bad karate flip where my head landed off mat followed by 2 car rear end type accidents. Oh wait, make that 3, we were rear-ended when I was pregnant.)

Self-care is key and I'm not making the grade. I always told my massage therapy clients that if they didn't take care of themselves, neither would massage. I should take my own advice.

3.The CT scan to check the 'thing' growing in my lung needs to be scheduled and I am trying to be positive. However, I have to say, meeting the criteria for being able to say 'I have a tumor' is not calming. Especially when I have a dear relative who was just diagnosed with a massive lung tumor that is cancerous.

She is not expected to survive.

Hard to keep my mind from drawing parallels, no matter how inaccurate or how little based in personal facts they may be.

I am really hoping the growth is gone, that it was some aberrant thing related to the asthma.

Hoping, hoping, hoping.

4.I believe I also need to get my thyroid scanned and toute suite too--my memory is a little foggy on this. Otherwise I'll have to cancel appointments with the endocrinologist until I can get it done. It kind of fell on the back burner, what with my adrenals not keeping up and trying to crawl back up from the black hole of asthma gone bad.

P.S. The pic is one of my fave vacay pics of the toddler. First, the cherry swimsuit is too cute and apropriate for the cherry producing capital of the world. I love the kinetic energy in her body. I just wish I could've gotten her to look at me.

What Is This Doctor's Problem? I Would Like to Know!

The notes from the toddler's last appointment with the specialist came in and all I can think is WTF? Is this guy on the same planet even?

In our second visit I addressed things the specialist left out of his report from the first visit--Mainly all the atypical stuff the toddler did right in front of him and the resident. You know, the entire reason we were referred to a specialist in the first place.

And this is a world class medical system. Famous even. So bizarre.

So the notes from the second visit arrived today and they don't match anything we actually agreed on or discussed during the appointment!

As in he told me a diagnosis (which I think is BS) and then didn't put it in his report. What is up with that?

The physical therapy (PT) we agreed upon, he wrote we would do only if the falling continued. Which is not what we discussed and decided at all,we agreed to do PT now.

In talking to the PT office today (her first session is tomorrow), the notes are actually confusing them because it says one thing and we are doing another.

I am irked and feeling that this is probably a sign we should find a new specialist if we continue to need one (I am hoping the PT is the magic bullet).

Is this just par for the course? I am completely new to all this.

My concern is, if the toddler has an ongoing, more serious pathology at play here that these notes are going to become an obstacle to appropriate medical care, you know? They aren't accurate at all.

Which is not cool. So WTF?

A Mother's Worries

The toddler did not do so well on vacation. She complained, for the first time, of pain (heartbreaking to hear too). She couldn't walk as needed to get to beaches.

Once she was in the water, she was fine, but the walk to the beach? Made me want to shoot myself. Repeatedly. And then cry.

It's tough for us because we are never sure if she's playing us or having genuine difficulty. On top of that, the beach that was perfect for little kids required about 1/4 mile walk in sand to get there, which is, admittedly, pretty strenuous for a toddler.

But what kid takes the time to fake out their parents when there's a beach in front of them?

None of the ones we saw. They were too busy making a mad dash for the waves.

But not the toddler. She was very busy crying and refusing to walk.

So we had to carry her.

Sigh.

I noticed other things too. New problems, probably due to fatigue from all the activity.

Sometimes I think, I'm crazy, that I'm making mountains out of molehills. And then she does stuff like this, which makes me worry even more.

Cornered By Sins of Omission

So you know what? I didn't really tell lots of family about the toddler's specialist deal-io. And now that it's turning into a long, hard slog kind of thing, I need to come clean.

Not sure how to do that in a casual, no biggie kind of way.

"By the way, the toddler will be going to pt" is just going to raise a lot of questions. Such as "Why didn't you tell us?"

To be fair, my parents go off and have surgery and don't even tell me until they need a ride.

So medical secret keeping isn't exactly a new dynamic.

What is new is that I would do it. I'm usually an open book.

But when the ped told me we need to go to a specialist, the sinking feeling in my gut had the pull of a black hole. I just couldn't bear to say anything, my mouth would not open. Emailing and blogging were okay as it turned out. So some people found out by email and then you read about it.

And then I never said anything more.

Do you know I didn't even put anything down on the toddler's medical forms for preschool? She didn't have a diagnosis at the time and I couldn't figure out what to say. I now need to go back and correct that.

So I've spun the web and am trapped in the corner trying to find the graceful way out.

How would you handle it?


P.S. We're off for a family vacation with the grandparents and uncles. Internet access will be spotty just FYI.

Toddler Sentenced to 6 Months

Quickly, just so I don't have to write 2 posts. I'm feeling okay with prednisone. Better, but still kind of dragging. Not sure what is up.

The toddler saw the specialist again and I think I want to fire them.

Visit 1: "No, it clearly can't be X diagnosis. She would have ABC symptoms and they aren't there."

Visit 2: "Diagnosis is X."

I was taken aback enough that I didn't call them on it, I was just kind of in shock. Trying to reconcile it all and thinking WTF?

So poor toddler is one of 'those' patients. Gray. Doesn't fit in any box. Has weird symptoms. In short, she's a mini me. Great.

I did call the specialist on an omission in their report from Visit 1. The resident who did the main exam was clearly biased and quite happy to be a member of the 'you are an over-functioning mom' camp. He actually even kind of made a dig about me to my face, so not a fan sadly. As a result, his report only included the normal things the toddler did and left out the abnormal stuff--the very stuff that triggered the visit in the first place!

This peeved me off. Fine, you don't see a problem. I don't have an issue with that. I am thrilled to the moon and back that y'all can't find a 'real' problem, but your report should include all the data points, not just the ones you like. That is not science. It's a disservice to my daughter and isn't in her best interests.

Further, I am not the momma bear you want to poke.

I explained this to the ped who encouraged me to confront them on it. Which I did , politely, and it was kind of anti-climatic as, I think, unlike the residents, the specialist knows to just nod and smile at the crayzee parental units.

Anyway, the toddler is going for physical therapy. We still don't really know what is going on (I'm not buying diagnosis X right now given how it went down and given how the toddler lacks some of the primary symptoms) but I am really hoping PT is our magic bullet. If not, we move on to MRIs and more invasive testing.

At that juncture I may fire the specialist based on the X bullshit. Perhaps I am the only person on earth like this, but I am okay with a doctor who says 'I don't know.' I am not okay with doctors who make shit up just to have something to say.

Pass the Kleenex

We are not having the best week ever over here. More of a horrible, no good, very bad week.

The last time I was a single parent for a week, things went pretty well, better than anticipated. This time, I, of course, thought 'piece of cake' and, of course, it's been downhill ever since.

First we started with the toddler suddenly peeing through the diaper necessitating frequent mid-night diaper changes and washing of bedding. Which, despite being tall, I have short arms and basically have to Heimlich myself over the crib railing to get the sheets on and off. This is why the hubby always does this, but he's not here. No he's in Atlanta, in a hotel with on demand air conditioning, cable television and a pool.

Then the toddler caught a cold along with the requisite crank.

The dog then decided to have a transcendent colonic spa cleanse all over the kitchen floor. That I discovered at 2 am. Barefoot.

I went in for a simple mole check and came out stitched up like Frankenstein. They told me it would hurt and I was all 'pshaww'. But now? OW! It does hurt. And as a bonus I am sensitive to the band-aid adhesive. It makes me itch. So I hurt and itch. Especially at night.

So, of course, the toddler slept through the night for the first time in 5 days last night, but was I sleeping? Nooooo. I was sitting on my hands trying to keep from scratching myself bloody or attempting to find a way to lay without putting pressure on any of the stitches because that hurts.

Is my life awesome or what?

Wait, it gets better.

So I make all these plans today with the toddler, right? We were going to have a blast. Story time. Park. Bubbles.

The day started out great. I exercised for once. My capris are super loose which means weight loss. The toddler is hyped about our plans. Life is good, yes?

Except the car seat has self-destructed. I can't tighten or loosen the straps for some reason. So we are stranded until my engineer genius relative gets home and fixes it or I go out and buy a new car seat while the engineer baby sits.

We were demoted to blowing bubbles on the front stoop. Only the bubbles wouldn't blow. Seriously.

The toddler is crushed. I am irked beyond all reason.

Also, I think I have a sore throat.

And my cell phone broke. (At least I have a back up.)

And I finished my birth control pack which, you know what that means. (Nothing good in case you are particularly obtuse.)

Am I wrong to want to cry? Or drink large amounts of alcohol?

Molapalooza

Had the big mole check today. They took lots of pictures--something various dermatologists have made noises about since the 90s but never followed through on--and I lost 4 moles to the big B ( for biopsy).

I officially have "a lot of moles."

Do I get a prize?

No?

Lame.

The toddler is sick, which has me all hyped up since I do not want to get sick. That will mean prednisone and a possible asthma flare. Plus I will have to stop exercising. So noooooooooooo.

Speaking of exercising, two of the biopsied moles happen to be in line with my bra strap, which presents some interesting challenges. First, I never carry a purse unless I have to. I hate baggage. So, of course, this would be the day I could use a purse to stuff my bra into. Instead I had to shove it down my pants and hope no one thought that bulge 'down there' was anything weird.

Second, exercising is going to be hard without a bra. I can't exactly walk the dog with the headlights on, you know? And there's no jumping unless there's a bra involved. I need the support.

Eh. Who am I kidding? I've barely slept the last four days. Between the hubby being in and out of town (complete with 4am wake-up calls), the toddler peeing through her diaper on a nightly basis, plus not sleeping through the night and now being sick, I wasn't planning to exercise anyway. I mean, I want to exercise, but instead I think I will take a nap. At least for today. And for the last three days.

I'm not sure when regular bra wearing will resume since I have stitches. I've never had stitches before with mole biopsies so this is a new one. It's probably not a good idea to have bra straps irritating them, right????

By the way, if this post makes no sense, it's the sleep deprivation which magnifies my inner moronic qualities.

Cheers.

Speed Blogging

Because guess who just woke up from their nap?

The toddler.

Who is now yelling for me.

Hopefully she will spot one of the many toys in her crib and be distracted for a moment. The odds on that are high since she stocks her crib as seriously as a buyer for FAO Schwarz.

So.

Working out, going good. Starting to see some strength returning. Actually did 2 workouts yesterday. 30 minutes on the elliptical and a 20min cardio/squat dvd.

The elliptical workouts are progressing from merely standing on the thing and every so often moving a pedal to actual sweat inducing exercise. Yay!

A quick update...after I allegedly broke my toe, I then stepped on the business end of a kitten heeled designer shoe with my instep. Resulting in lovely bruises on both feet. A matching set.

I've also been whomping my knee on various architectural features of the house. So bruises there too. If I keep this up, I'm going to buy myself a knee brace or knee surgery or something horrible that can only happen to knees.

I haven't been this clumsy since I grew 5 inches in one year. Hope it stops soon or I grow another 5 inches, whichever comes first.

Food and appetite are an ongoing issue. Ever since I hurled up an entire head of Romaine lettuce in the midst of the stomach flu compounded by untreated adrenal insufficiency, I haven't been able to look salads or anything else I used to eat in the eye. This about-face in my palate continues to be frustrating.

Know what I had for lunch today? Cheese. Plain cheese. And it wasn't enough calories so I have been feeling kind of crabby and light headed this afternoon. I couldn't convince myself to eat anything else. I'm working on new recipes, but you know how that goes, at least half will be duds, if not more. Lots of inedible kitchen experiments going on around here of late.

As for the toddler...I just got off the phone with the toddler's ped. I am so thrilled that the specialist isn't seeing anything BUT the fact is the problem persists. Also, I have some new info based on the toddler's ethnicity that may be of note. We'll see.

Wait and See

The toddler was an angel with the specialist. All the things she did to alarm the pediatrician, did not make an appearance for the specialist.

Unfortunately, today was a command performance and the toddler did not play her part.

Not surprisingly, they did not see anything that alarmed them. Blood work was ordered and we go back for some follow-up in a few months.

There is some thinking this is all due to the toddler being a giantess in training. Seriously. How many 2 year olds do you know who are 40" tall already? Not many I would wager. And I remember how bad growing pains can be, so if that's her issue, it would offer a good explanation of what we've observed.

On one hand, I am relieved. These people see seriously sick every day and the toddler doesn't look sick to them. That is good.

On the other, talking with been-there-done-there parents, the toddler's symptoms fit a condition where all testing looks normal except for the problem. It will be interesting to see what they make of today's doctor's visit.

So we'll see. Time will tell. For the time being, I'm just not going to worry about it. All the experts say she is fine, so she must be fine. I'll keep an eye on her, but beyond that there's nothing I can do that I haven't already done, right?

I guess if things continue and the specialist doesn't see it, I'll look for a doc specializing in that one condition just to rule it out. After which point, we'll just officially label the toddler her mother's daughter, which is diagnosis enough for a lifetime.

Illness Protocol

I have been wrestling with how much to say to anyone about the toddler. Obviously, here I've been pretty tight-lipped about things other than to say there is a problem.

But I can't do that indefinitely with family as much as I might like to.

Why am I keeping secrets?

First, I think the reluctance to say anything is a form of denial. As in, if I don't talk about it, it doesn't exist and if no one else knows, then I can pretend everything is okay. It makes it easier for me to compartmentalize in a way. If I spilled the beans, my worries would dominate the conversation which would be a real killjoy.

Second, some of my family members have not been so well behaved when dealing with my recent illness.

I spent some time this past weekend responding to questions like "What do you think I did to make you sick?"

To which I responded, "You've got nothing on prednisone."

Early on in my medical mess, people were calling me screaming "You're going to diiiiiiie and I'm going to kill your doctors if they let you." Invariably these loudmouth phone calls came in the middle of the toddler's nap time, which is just not a good time for screaming. I stopped answering calls from certain numbers for a while.

I shudder to think about the phone calls the toddler would elicit. I may have to change my number.

There's this whole emotional management facet to my family dynamics that I just don't want to deal with. I can't be everyone's babysitter, you know? It's hard enough navigating things myself let alone to take anyone else by the hand.

Given how some people have been behaving with me, I think it's understandable that I may not be rushing to say anything to anyone about the toddler.

I don't know what the protocol is here though. Am I doing my family a wrong by not saying anything now? Or is it better to wait until there's a diagnosis or a scary important test involving sedation*? (*Which parents who've gone before have told me the toddler is likely to have.)

Probably I should say something when the test is ordered. By the time a toddler needs anesthesia, it's probably best to let close relations know, yes?

However I am thinking I may try to control some of the extremism I've witnessed recently with some strong statements about what we need and don't need from everyone in terms of support.

Maybe that would work?

Nothing Wrong Over Here, Just Ignore My Twitchy Google Finger

The hubby is one to suppress or deny attention to problems.

Everything is fine.

I'm the same way, but, unlike the hubby, reality eventually beats its way into my head to where I can't ignore it any longer.

Also, I am insatiably curious. You have no idea half the crap I research on a given day. I am full of questions and I love me some good answers.

I sat on my hands for a while with regards to the toddler and whatever is ailing her. That didn't last long. First, I needed to know what to expect from the specialist.

Second, the internet is like a Magic Eight Ball. When you're scared and worried and don't know what will happen next, Google is there always ready to take a stab at an answer.

For the first reason, I'm glad I started researching and talking to other special needs parents. Otherwise I would have been woefully unprepared for the specialist. I need the toddler's milestones which is not something I have memorized (thanks to sleep deprivation). Nor would it have occurred to me to bring that kind of info with us next week.

The second reason is bad news. We don't know what is wrong. It could absolutely be nothing. Or it could be terminal. The thing is, the internet search results in front of us are pretty awful. There's no gray area in terms of diagnosis. Nothing like asthma, where you take your meds and are fine. No. It's either she's fine or she could have a spectrum of horrible diseases known as 'every parent's nightmare.'

I just keep focusing on two things; Magic Eight Balls don't know shit and the toddler was early to advanced on all her milestones. Hell, she has even started recognizing words and understands the concepts of phonics. So how could anything at all be wrong?

It can't.

Not What I Wanted to Hear

Today I dragged the toddler to the ped against my better judgment.

I didn't think anything was really wrong. It was probably something she would out grow, right? You know how kids are; funky and quirky and doing weird stuff all the time, just to keep us all on our toes, right?

I thought the ped would tell me as much and I would look like an over-functioning fruitcake mom.

This was my fondest, sincerest wish today; to be deemed a nutjob with a perfectly healthy baby whom everyone would pity and pray she found a good therapist someday.

My wish didn't come true.

Instead we got a referral to a specialist.

Who squeezed us into their schedule for early next week.

Which is good, since the ped said, if the appointment was months from now, to let them know so they could intervene and get us in sooner.

A despair of disbelief washed over me in the ped's office. "Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yes," they said. "This is not normal."

I am a scared momma today.