Tuesday, February 8, 2011

It's Not that I'm Weird, I Just Know More Than You

HMO: We'd like to tell you about an exciting program that can help you manage your health.

ME: Is this the program where you have a nurse coach?

HMO: Yes it is.

ME: No offense or anything but I don't find that program helpful. I don't know if it's because I've taken the basic A&P classes or what, but I always seem to know more than the nurse*.

HMO: *silence, refers to script* Uh...what?

ME: I don't plan to participate. Thank you.

HMO: Okay. Thanks. *click*

They hung up before I could tell them what would really help me would be a good patient advocate. That would save us all money. But then the patient advocate would have to know something about adrenal glands and well...that's not gonna happen.

*It's not that nurses don't know anything, it's that I don't think they are allowed to deviate from their very narrow program scope. I did this type of program before and it is total fluff. Like kindergarten. "Asthma is a lung disease. You need to take your medication every day."


No sh*t. I thought it was the enlarged big toe of my unborn twin growing out of my rectum. (If that doesn't make sense to you, it's a sign that you need to watch more medical weirdness documentaries on TLC and Discovery Health).

Thank you HMO for using my premium dollars for this bullsh*t.

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