My First Big Fail

I tapered to 5mg yesterday and it went okay, up until I went for a walk. After that I was a limp noodle on the couch, unable to stay awake.

For over two years, I have somehow managed to meet every parenting obligation and responsibility. Whether I felt like it or not.

But yesterday? I slept through the toddler screaming.

I couldn't stay awake and I couldn't get up when I needed to. I knew I should get up and check on the toddler but I couldn't wake up. I've always been afraid of this. Always been careful not to let myself lie down when I'm solely responsible for the toddler, but I couldn't control it last night.

Everyone is okay. Thank God. She got sent home for being physical with her friend--a behavioral issue that has recently cropped up. Yeah, great, we spend years sitting on our hands and not spanking only to have her become the neighborhood bully.

Of course there are mitigating circumstances. She's outpaced socially and one girl has turned out to be big on social exclusion, targeting my kid (the youngest), so the toddler falls back on trying to physically put people where she wants them. Since she's two full clicks over the growth curve and her peers are two full clicks below, she can actually pick them up like dolls. She's like Andre the Giant's toddler cousin.

Surprisingly (and I know, you'll be shocked to hear htis) they don't like being 'toddler-handled' and cat fights ensue.

With lots of screaming.

Which I always hear before it hits critical mass and intervene. (I am the only parent who bothers to show up before it's gone too far. Ironically this was a big part of the bitchy rant I deleted yesterday. I'm the only one who gives a shit, which is lucky for their kids since mine has finally figured out how to throw around her weight, literally.)

But I was asleep yesterday. Too exhausted to even hear my girl when she needed me. And I guess our other house guest, who usually keeps an eye on everything, decided to hide in their bat cave in the basement instead. So the back up failed.

All this drama because of a mile long walk. I think there are 90-year-olds who can walk three.

Sometimes my life seems unlivable with the health I have. Yesterday was one of those times.

I feel awful. For my girl. For the other girl. Me and my stupid stupid health.