Ghosting 84

 My oxygen plunged to 84 today and it's struggling to get back to the more normal 95-96, which is a decline from my precovid 97-98, which was a decline from my pre 2010 virus level of 99-100.

It didn't stay at 84 for long, but it took a chunk out of me. I'm tired and dizzy and loopy. My chest hurts.

No one cares, though. Trust me, I know. If anyone reads this, you don't care. I get it. It's not happening to you, right? You don't have to figure out how to drive to the dentist appointment later today while your head is spinning like a fucking whirly gig.

At least I seem to be over the most acute phase of covid. I'm trying to get back to regular life with varying levels of success. Today, covid wins.

I especially enjoy the part where the lone person (my live-in parent) in my household still refusing to take any precautions is snarky and butthurt that I'm not doing the dishes.  Like, what the fuck did you think was going to happen if I got covid?

I haven't cleaned anything in almost 4 weeks. Like, it's not happening. I'd like to do all the usual things, but I can't right now. At the moment, all I'm doing is keeping various medical appointments for the teen and me and trying to keep up at work.

And here's the kicker, the insult to add injury, my pulmonologist of 16 years would have given me Paxlovid, BUT didn't bother to check their messages during their last two weeks in the office.

Yes, that's right, my pulmo is gone. Just like that. All the hugs and giving me their kid's phone numbers (for work things) was just a psy op to make me think someone had my back. They didn't. They flaked when it counted. 16 years and thanks for nothing.

And yes, that's right, I could have had Paxlovid and maybe avoided the long ass recovery I'm battling now. It was just pure bureaucracy and laziness. Can you imagine how many people this happens to? And the system doesn't capture their poor outcomes and connect them to these failures of attention, of effort, of common decency.

There was no place else that was going to give me Paxlovid. Not my primary. Not CVS. No one. I had no back up position. I tried. I tried so hard despite being so sick. But I can't make the world do what I want. I have no power.

This sucks. It really sucks. I always try to be a 'good' patient. I follow directions. I do what I'm told. I disclose when I go off the map. I largely keep myself out of the ER for asthma (only 1 ER visit in the last 11 years). I forge what I think are good relationships.

And none of it can fucking save me.

How does someone like me survive a pandemic? I don't know that I do.

I only stayed out of the hospital because of my meds. The vaccines didn't make the difference, the prednisone, albuterol, and pulmicort did. People like me...we need more science faster. We need access to resources without excessive barriers.

But we're just ghosted, what we need isn't there, much like my oxygen these days.