Glowering

 

My nerves are on fire. Absolute fire. The vaccine has caused my immune system (I assume) to literally go nuclear in my degenerative spine. 

It's never been this bad.

So now I'm wondering...is the cyst growing back? That happens sometimes?

Even before the vaccine I had increasing numbness. It's not the same degree of hazard as the pre-surgery numbness, it's hitting me in a way that's not a fall risk (so far) so it's different, but it ain't right.

Gah. Can I just please not have any more problems? I already have enough!

As for the fatigue...I've gained a tiny sliver of extra functionality but I'm nowhere near normal. 

Since the vaccine basically booted me back to the beginning of my covid recovery, I'm guessing I'm in for another 6-8 weeks of fuckery.

And I'm deeply concerned about the impact of any further vaccinations. If it's not going to prevent covid, if it's not going to prevent long haul, if even with the vaccine I'm up to the line of needing to go to the ER when I do get Covid, and if the vaccine is going to destroy me like this every time I take it, if it's going to come after my nerves every time, and my heart, and my energy for months...is the ROI there? Is it worth the suffering? I'm not sure.

Very frustrating. At least I can keep my sorry ass at home and hopefully away from Covid and I know enough to wear an N95 when I do go out. I know I can keep myself Covid free. It's the people I live with that are the risk.

Kidney ultrasound was clean. I still need to do some blood work, but hopefully an ultrasound was precise enough imaging that I won't be pissed I didn't get an MRI (or whatever is better imaging) earlier in hindsight. Sorry. I'm just leery of this shit anymore. Particularly when I have symptoms but all the testing is fiiiiine. However, that said, I'm good with letting this go for now. Nothing urgent seems to be happening and I have other things to do.

Work...I'm organizing some neat things. Holding my breathe they all turn out like I hope they will. The problem with being an innovative thinker is you go out on a limb a lot and sometimes it breaks. I tested what I'm doing on a smaller scale this past year and this should all pan out...but I'm nervous. I'm relying on other people to pull with me and that is the most difficult thing. People are flakey and managing their perceptions to navigate ego and agendas and maintain buy-in is A LOT.

Like, I don't need to be convinced by and large. If I see the benefit, I'll show up all day long. But most people need to be nurtured through the 'journey' which didn't come naturally to me. The task itself motivates me. Apparently I am super weird that way lol. So I've had to develop a skill set of keeping people engaged and on task and happy, sometimes in groups of a hundred or more. It's a lot. It can be tenuous and turn on a dime.

There's always the fun 'why is my name wrong? that's not my name' conversations. Well, we copied what you gave us.

Or, 'I'm a cat, why am I with the dogs?' Well, you told us you were a dog. 

And, 'I selected cat, but really I'm a unicorn. Put me with the other unicorns.' Well, unicorns aren't one of our options.

Plus, 'What am I?' Same as the last three times we told you, you're a cat. Still.

Lots of deep breaths going on over here. And some chocolate therapy while hoping if I give them grace, they'll give me grace when I invariably do something stupid.

Aside from that, I'm expanding some things, breaking through some technical intel barriers on another. I'm ahead  on several fronts through the collective efforts of this sort of mutual aid society I run in my industry. The big sharks are all paying for access to me and pretending they're not sharks and I'm acting like I don't notice while also paying for access to them to keep an eye on their bullshit which they also pretend not to see. They're worried I'm stealing from them and are surprised to find their IP isn't even a thing for us, we're so beyond them at this point. 

And also some of their IP is garbage and they don't know it (or they know, but don't care because profit--both types are legion). One blind spot I see a lot is people misattribute their success to the wrong thing and will actually design and sell strategies based on things that weren't the magic sauce. And then people can't replicate their results. Oddly, people will assume they're the problem instead of questioning the person selling them a shitty strategy. 

Always question the premise. Always. 

Most of the sharks have had to level up because of me...sometimes they even use my exact phrasing in their trainings. I'd go after it legally, but it would be a mess--they're better funded since their health doesn't fuck them up all the time and limit their options. But at least I'm forcing some good intel into things so people actually benefit.

Can you imagine charging people a mortgage payment for a master class, and then through simple negligence, causing people to lose their access to what your training is for? Like, I'm going to teach you to drive, but I'm not going to tell you about the brake pedal or how bad drinking and driving is, and I'm just going to let you slam back some Tequila and then crash in a ditch. That's the level of bullshit I'm talking about. And people just took it. Paid for it. 

Sometimes people scare me.