Attempting Hard Things

I've actually been trying to exercise. It hurts. A lot. Although surprisingly I haven't lost all that much upper body strength. I've actually been strong enough to do walking planks across the floor. It's my spine that hurts no thanks to covid and the covid vaccines. 

Disconnected from the exercise, my spine suddenly caused numbness in both legs and kept me up all night. I have NO idea why. I hope it was a one time thing. I'm really not looking to see a doctor for this.

All of this makes me wonder what my future mobility is going to be and how long I'm going to be as active as I am now and whether exercise will really allow me to hold onto any of it longer. My joints and spine feel like they've aged decades because of covid.

I had another asthma attack. This one due to (I think) air quality that normally would not be an issue. It was milder than the last one, but that didn't matter. It wiped me out anyway. I suspect this new intensity, this extra sick is a result of covid. These kinds of attacks didn't hit me like this before.

My addict parent is falling apart. They will either be forced into a guardianship or something catastrophic will happen. Unfortunately, the bar for guardianship is so high that self destruction is more likely. I'm past being sad about, I'm frustrated. We could do better on their behalf but we're not allowed. We can only watch, powerless.

My other parent is increasingly senile. They're having a hard time correctly perceiving tone and syntax and keeping up with who is saying what to whom and they don't know this about themselves. I called the dog an asshole (in jest) and the parent took a full thirty seconds to work through it wasn't directed at them. Or at least, I think they figured that out. I don't know. Maybe not. 

They've decided they've been horribly insulted a few times now and the response to these perceived slights has been toxically unpleasant. We have to walk on egg shells around them now because we never know what conclusions they're going to draw.

The teen's fever has spiked again. I have no words for this other than more WTF WTF WTF. When does this end well? Never? 

People ask how I am. I'm at the point where I just lie. Hanging in there. Working on a project for work. How are you?

I mean, I have friends willing to be supportive and listen, but honestly, it's just exhausting to talk about it at all. I don't want to explain. Or give this shit more energy. 

But here I am bitching anyway so...

Anyway. Things are hard. I am not winning. I am doing the best I can in the middle of a shit storm that will not end.