No Way Out

Knee is healing, but is dodgy and can't be trusted. It seems loosy goosey inside. Sigh. Did I ask for that, universe? No. No. I did not.

Hand is fine. Still swollen a bit. Not sure if that's a permanent change or if it'll someday finally fully resolve. But everything works.

I'm feeling a little more run down than I was, but relatively normal overall. I think the high of feeling better has worn off. It's always so amazing when you're in the pit and then suddenly you feel so great you float right out. Wish that lift lasted longer.

I can eat! I've been able to eat for the last however long. 5? 6? 8? weeks now. It's so nice! 

I didn't realize how badly Covid and the vaccines were suppressing my appetite. Now that I have one again, it's brutally obvious. The hunger is in beast mode. I can tell my body is desperate to get all the calories it missed out on.

The tricky part is not irritating my liver while dealing with the primal, feral need to eat. But I'm SO HUNGRY. I want to eat planets and galaxies, one in each fist and cram them down my gullet and then slurp down the Milky Way like a milkshake. And I haven't even been on steroids lately!

I have lost about 75% of my hair. I don't have bald spots, but my hair is very thin and won't hold clips or scrunchies anymore. I hope some hair vitamins and improved nutrition will bring my hair back. It really sucks. I had nice hair. 

My big concern now is never getting covid again...which is probably a pipe dream.

We are supposed to travel to a big family wedding this year. Which is fine, so long as we wear N95s but hubby isn't feeling masks. I'm deeply concerned about catching covid again. If he's burned out, I'm going to be screwed.

I read a recent article that said 60% of deaths in the hospital are vaccinated and even boosted, and that they don't anticipate a better vaccine for 3-5 years. 

Y'all...I don't know. I think covid could kill me or someone else in my family by then. Although I'm pretty sure the live-in parent has to be naturally immune. They take no precautions and have never been sick despite repeated exposure. Hubby doesn't get too sick, but I worry about some of the cardiovascular aftermath people can have. His health is decent, but he's showing some wear as he ages. The teen and I get the sickest.

 A while back, hubby made a remark about me needing to make more money and I made the point that I can't be crippled with covid in order to do that. 

The live-in parent wanted to have a New Year's Eve party and I made the point that could destroy me for up to a year if it results in covid (or even RSV). And that it wouldn't be good for the teen to get sick again either. Not to mention the teen works with immunocompromised folks as well.

To clarify, if treatment or vaccines improve, I'm down with doing all the things no holds barred, but until then we need to frame things as 'which do I want more? To disable Pinata or Teen for so long it becomes a daily inconvenience or do xyz, a one time thing?'

Our household is divided. The people who don't have to pay the price with their health want to go about life as normal. I can't control them. So me and the teen are at their mercy.

How long will people put up with masks for me and the teen? It turns out there may very well be a limit. That love isn't enough. And eh...the live-in parent, I'm not surprised, but hubby is a good guy. That he's tapped out is surprising. Pandemics are ruthless. They destroy everything, not just health: supply chain, peace, relationships, patience. 

We could prevent covid indefinitely, but I don't know that we will. Humans were not designed for this level of constant vigilance. 

With regard to my business, I'm working to create some alternative revenue streams that are turnkey and hopefully grow those to pad my income so if I catch covid again, I have some passive revenue going more so than usual. We'll see.

I wish I could tell a different story with this. One where we were all on the same page, but I can't. It's really been eye opening to watch how so few people can manage a pandemic. You're only going to do as well as other people's ability to follow the science, avoid the bullshit, and maintain consistency. The vast majority of people can't hack it. If they could, we'd all be wearing N95s and Covid would be contained.

We're all trapped in a pandemic with no way out anytime soon.