TGIF

TGIF! I get to start progesterone again tonight! Woot!

The eight days without weren't as bad as it was last time. Thank God. Last time was horrible.

Now I'm afraid I won't feel good on progesterone. It's silly, but I keep waiting for the misery to start.

I feel superstitious about it. Like I should be throwing salt over my shoulder, knocking on wood, dancing naked around an oak tree under a full moon etc...

Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Lower

Still chugging along over here. Energy is lower, but I'm hanging in. It probably doesn't help that we've been staying up late watching True Blood and then the toddler has been getting up waaaaay earlier than normal. The bookends of bad sleep.

Saw Doctor Alternative and we're pretty much done. It's just a matter of letting my body 'settle' into its new normal. Doc says the acne should improve which would be nice because cystic acne in your ear canal? Doesn't feel so good.

Actually everything is supposed to keep improving. I'm looking forward to it.

Off the Cliff

So the deal-io with progesterone is I take it for 20 days and then have 8 days off to induce a cycle.

As I've mentioned previously, not being on progesterone is horrible. It's the horror of going to a Halloween haunted house and finding out the serial killers are real as opposed to paid actors.

I am not exaggerating.

Tonight I'm due to stop taking progesterone until next Friday.

You can imagine my lack of enthusiasm, yes?

As far as I know, there's no information out there that talks about how to manage this (dose change, low dose during my cycle etc...) or if it will go away. I can only hope that, with time, my body will build up enough reserves to make it for eight days without completely losing its shit.

Until then, I am resigned to being completely useless for the next week.

Ugh.

Amazeballs

I feel fabulous on progesterone.

Fucking amazing.

I have no idea what will happen next. If this is the end of the sick that has plagued me for over two years or if there's some other cliff for me to trip and fall over.

Too many times I've been optimistic only to have things go breathtakingly backwards.

But OMG I hope this never ends.

It's not without some problems. First, life without progesterone sucks. It's horrible when I have to stop it. I hope that evens out with time, otherwise I'm going to be incapacitated by fatigue one week out of every month.

I also have acne everywhere. I am not sure if it's the progesterone or something else. I've taken progesterone before to maintain my pregnancy (also felt fabulous then, hmmmm a clue!) and did not have acne so why it's acting up now, I have no idea. Maybe it's because I'm not on the pill anymore?

Or maybe the progesterone has enabled a hormonal shift that allows the PCOS to be more of a PITA than it ever was? I don't know.

I do know I'm doing more than I ever have.

Yesterday, I grocery shopped, cleaned the house, hosted a large party and went for a 2.5 mile walk. At no time did I feel weak or faded. That's a new personal best for me.

Please don't let it end.

I Can Smell Them Coming

The hubby says our guest always smokes outside, even when at home. The habit of a 'clean' smoker. Typically 'clean' smokers aren't so hard on my system and I was hopeful...for a second.

The thing is I can smell them from thirty feet away. It's like they are steeped in second hand smoke. Smokes outside my ass.

It's a smoker's menage-a-trois over here. I've got first hand, second hand and third hand smoke all competing for the title of Most Irritating to My Lungs.

Fortunately, the cold is done with me and, aside from a few hacking episodes, I've been okay.

However, my guest arrived not only with a carton of cigarettes, but also a nasty cold.

From another continent.

Meaning it's probably not a germ my system has seen before.

I'm now flashing back to Paris 2006 where I caught a bug and spent a lot of time lingering in ERs on the brink of hospitalization.

But, hey, I could always get lucky, right?

Meanwhile....

I really like progesterone. If it's not the answer, it's going to be a significant improvement. At least once we're done tweaking the dose. The regimen is not quite finalized yet and I'm waiting somewhat impatiently for a doctor's appointment to sort out the best dose and schedule for me.

I also wonder if you can develop Exogenous Cushings from too much progesterone? Can it tip me into cortisol excess or does the body have a mechanism by which it ignores extra progesterone? I just want to be sure the progesterone can't cause problems. There's a ton of progesterone involved in pregnancy and that doesn't lead to too much cortisol as far as my limited knowledge knows.

Random factoid for you...I had a Meyer's Cocktail today and there's a book on cancer treatment in the alternative doctor's IV clinic. It's from the 50s and one of the treatments was to juice raw calf liver with carrots and drink.

Yeah, I suspect not many patients got better drinking that.

And yes I do kind of wonder at a doctor who would pimp that out as reading material for their patients. Especially considering they're vegan!

Even worse than the raw calf liver was the 'cancer diet' with a ton of simple carbs. I guess they didn't know that sugar fed cancer back in the day.

The Tiredest

Had a crappy couple of days, starting Friday. The tired to end all tireds. Some of it could be that I think I just need more rest and to be more aware of pacing myself than normal people. But I haven't allowed much down time in my schedule of late.

Remember when I complained about the toddler getting up at the crack of dawn? Well, now I'm going to complain about her wanting to sleep until 9am.

It's not that I'm never happy, it's that her schedule shifted from one where nothing happened until after noon to one where we need to be out of the house well before 9am.

So both of us are getting up much earlier than we would like. Truncated sleep for everyone!

FYI not a recipe for much rest.

Worse, the toddler is a not a morning person. Compound that with the fact that I'm generally not fully awake until about noon and we are a horrible pair in the morning. She's a screaming mess. She stomps through the house, crossing her arms and going 'humph' alternated with ear shattering shrieks which are the toddler version of 'eff you.' No she will not brush her teeth or put on her shoes or eat her breakfast. No no no! Meanwhile I'm blinking at her blearily, ready to just go back to bed and hide.

We launch practically every day like this.

It's a miracle we arrive anywhere on time, but somehow I pull it off without losing what's left of my sanity.

By Friday I was ready to lie down and never get up again. I felt horrid. I fantasized about steroids even, followed by dreams of progesterone.

It's way too soon to tell if progesterone is going to be helpful, but I am interested to see what happens when I start it again.

When I was on it last, I deep cleaned a room which involved lifting a couch with one hand and removing carpet. The effort did not ruin the rest of the day--I went on to do everything else I wanted. I can't even contemplate that right now.

This weekend has been busy but I've also made sure to rest more than I've been, including sleeping in as much as possible. Yesterday we went blackberry picking again (the hubby was impressed with how little I screamed about the bugs this time). I rested for a bit after that and then we took the toddler to a small carnival followed by a trip to the grocery store.

I tried to stay up and watch the Olympics but ended up passing out on the couch--I just never amassed any good energy yesterday, the whole day I was pushing through jello, faking it but never making it.

Today is an even lazier day, with nothing planned. I think my energy is better today, but ask me again after I've had to actually get off the couch.

Like a Double Jointed Duck

I had my first yoga class.

Understand that I know nothing about yoga.

Well, I do know Sting likes to mix sex and tantric yoga. Because he talks about it in interviews and we've seen him in concert.

Everything (else) I learned came from P90X's interpretation of yoga.

Which is intense enough I've been 'practicing' for my yoga class for fear of not keeping up.

I've done the downward facing dog pose as if my life depended on it, shoving my ass into the air like a double jointed duck trying to develop some semblance of yoga skillz.

So the day comes and basically we laid on the floor for an hour and half. In the dark. I couldn't really see anyone so who knows what yoga--tantric or otherwise--was going on?

There was not one downward facing dog. I felt gypped. I'd done all this self-assigned homework for nothing!

Now, I realize that it's a mistake to think you know anything about anything from watching P90X. Their yoga? Is on steroids and has a bad case of 'roid rage to boot.

My yoga? Is a lot of breathing in the dark with some gentle movements that I may or may not be performing correctly. I'm not even sure the instructor can see me!

As for everything else: Still kind of tired. I have those good days and think 'I'm free!' I'm not free, but I'm not in prison either. I'm in a seedy halfway house.

Still lots of muscle pain, which yoga highlighted nicely. Things are just really inflamed and I'm not sure why. Drinking lots of 'gingerade' (ginger, lemon, stevia, water and ice--delicious and anti-inflammatory) to try and feel better. Also Advil. And Tylenol. It's similar to steroid withdrawal muscle pain but I haven't had any steroids in a while.

Went for a 2.5 mile walk. It was painful, but I did it.

Waiting to start bioidentical hormone replacement for low progesterone. My level is below normal so I'm really hoping bringing that back into balance will help me.