Loose Ends

In no particular order, the status on a few things I've mentioned in the last few weeks.

1.Food allergies/sensitivities. They seem to have resolved. I haven't tried cucumbers yet and there's a threshold with chocolate at which I get heartburn, but no more nose swelling shut with tomatoes! Woot! I can eat salsa again!

2.Bio-identical Hormone Replacement. Well, I started progesterone. Then, I stopped progesterone. Currently the doc and I are tinkering with the dose, trying to get it right. I had a really great day right before I had to stop it, so I remain optimistic.

I am deficient, my levels are pretty much zero, so replacing it has to have some positive effect. I just need to get the dose right and be on it long enough to see it in action. I should be starting up again next week.

3.Yoga is hard. It makes me sweat. It makes my knees and wrists hurt, but relieves my neck pain, so hopefully the other joints will get used to it. To my surprise, I'm kind of flexible. The big downer is I took off my medical id bracelet in the middle of the class and left it behind. So far, no one has found it.

4.Mean mommies. One of the moms felt really guilty for standing by and saying nothing and came clean to everyone else. Almost everyone knows now. So all of a sudden, my in-box is full of apologies. Except for the mean mommy, who, I'm now told, has always been like this and I grossly misjudged her character.

Social dynamics among girls/women kind of interest me now that I've had to navigate mean girl territory with my daughter. I've read several books on the topic even. It will be interesting to see what happens next.

The mean mommy has one friend left--the two of them make up what remains of the group and are close friends. With the rest of us gone and avoiding the one mom, will mean mommy then target the other mom? (That may sound strange, but many times I've seen bullies who've been isolated turn on their friends because there's no one else to kick.)

Will the other mom clue in to the fact that she's now socially isolated because of mean mom? Or is she on the same page and in agreement with mean mommy?

Or will mean mommmy surprise everyone and apologize?

As to what my future will be with the mommies now? I am not sure. I still don't drink (they do) and am often too tired to attend the events necessary to bond with everyone. So who knows?

The Energy Report

Yesterday, energy was good. Geared up for a walk, but abruptly pooped out before I could put on my shoes. Other than that, felt like my usual self for the better part of the day.

Today, energy was not so good. In and out most of the day. Sucked it up as best I could.

We took the toddler blackberry picking after her Tae Kwon Do class this morning. The hubby knows where they grow wild (and organic).

I am a lousy berry picker. At least when the bug population outnumbers me a billion to one. The hubby found all my shrieking to be quite entertaining.

However, he didn't see how the grasshoppers were trying to corner me. That was not funny. So not funny.

I am not a bug person.

Then how did I spend three months in the rain forests of Central America?

By visiting during the 'winter' season when the bugs are less prolific. Today, I couldn't take a single step without something flying up out of the grass at my face. For comparison, that did not happen once the entire time I was in the rain forest*. And we only picked berries for an hour.

So, to recap, I'm tired, as usual. I scream when I see bugs and we picked some blackberries. And I hope to end the day with a walk.

Over and out.


*Okay yes, fire ants swarmed my shoes, but that was my fault. If I hadn't stood on the anthill, they wouldn't have bothered me. First rule of the rainforest, don't touch anything without looking to see what's there. Don't sit. Don't stand. Don't stretch your arms overhead. Don't play Marco Polo in the bush. Look first, identify in guidebook, then touch.

Otherwise you might put your hand in the middle of a baby pit viper's coils.

Not that I would know everything anything about that.

Done

Man, am I tired today. Got hit with a wannabe cold that resolved nicely with vitamins last night, but the weakness was yucko and put me in bed. Today I'm still low on energy. Probably all fallout from the stomach whatsis.

Tomorrow we have nothing to do, nowhere to go and it seems the toddler is just as excited about that as I am.

I broke up with the mother's group. The ones I thought would care, cared and the ones I thought wouldn't, didn't. To my surprise, when I posted my 'au revoir' on the group, several other members added they were going too. The ones that cared.

I'm pretty sure they have no idea what my context is. I haven't said anything. I did give the moms I liked a heads up that I was leaving, but didn't go into detail. However, the group hasn't been very functional for over a year. They haven't been able to attract or retain new members and membership has dwindled down to seven families. I suspect that is driving the decision for the other moms.

The writing is on the wall for the group. I will be surprised if they survive now that they've lost 40% of their membership.

Now all that's left is to defriend.

Cortisol Synthesis

I found it! Finally! A chart that shows steroid synthesis pathways.

It really helps if you use the right search terms, which is hard to do when you don't have the required science vocabulary.

Change in Status

I had thought today's post would've been a long list of everything that is going well, but instead I am playing everyone's favorite game:

Stomach flu, food poisoning or adrenal whatsis?

It started Sunday night and I was up most of the night being sick.

Since the adrenal piece didn't seem to kick in until the third trip to the bathroom, I'm crossing fingers this is something benign. Like bad kombucha. And there was possible stomach bug exposure...ten days ago, but still! There's hope of this being normal GI sick, right?

It was surreal to literally feel the strength draining from my legs, weakness overtaking me like poison. Again. For the umpteenth effing time.

I had begun to think I was past that.

As it turns out, not so much.

It's a bummer because I had just done the 2.5 mile walk for the first time without feeling like I wanted to lay down on the sidewalk and die. (Note: The walk made the hubby feel the same way the first time he did it with me. I think it's the million percent humidity that makes it so miserable. Or maybe we are just sloths who dress up like humans--that would explain so much.)

Today will be spent resting as much as possible, hoping that will be enough.

Defriending

Hi. Sorry for the long silence. I'm doing okay adrenal-wise, but other things have not been so positive.

I experienced a nasty mommy drive by (when mommies are mean to other mommies)over a week ago that has left me questioning whether I will continue with my mother's group.

This would involve lots of Facebook defriending, which I've been agonizing over. To defriend or not defriend, that is the question.

I think I've decided to unjoin the group and defriend various members, but now have to navigate that with some social grace. The social network includes folks who don't know what happened and I have no idea how to extract myself without raising questions and causing a certain amount of drama.

It's hard to explain what happened without dragging you through petty details that no one who is not directly involved cares about. Short hand, I was verbally bitchslapped like a bad dog in front of everyone. My husband witnessed the whole thing and his first question to me when we talked about it later was 'Why do you spend time with these women?'

And I thought, you know what? Why do I bother with them? They've never been a good match for me. I stayed with the group because it was the easy button for keeping the toddler busy.

(Strangely the toddler doesn't like most of the kids, which must be a sign of some kind.)

Being sick didn't help me make any strong social connections either. Part of this is due to being sick. I couldn't do all the mommy bonding events and that left me the odd mom out.

This may not seem like a big deal or maybe it appears over-dramatized, I don't know. What I do know is that it shook me to my core. I became very insecure about who I was and if I was worthy. I was called names and assigned unflattering labels. Spoken to like the lowest of the low.

So I've spent the last week going to my real friends, the people who've known me for decades, asking them what the truth was. Because I was no longer sure. Maybe I secretly was a horrible person and was just too dumb to see it.

But my friends have rejected that and reassured me the things that were said to me were not true. Even if they were, there were ways to address them with kindness and respect, neither of which were utilized the day of the mommy drive-by.

The whole experience has been emotionally wrenching for me. Some of it centered on the toddler's diagnosis, something she just received from the neurologist, which I may or may not delve into in a later post. The last time I shared anything about it, I was publicly ripped apart

Like a Double Jointed Duck

I had my first yoga class.

Understand that I know nothing about yoga.

Well, I do know Sting likes to mix sex and tantric yoga. Because he talks about it in interviews and we've seen him in concert.

Everything (else) I learned came from P90X's interpretation of yoga.

Which is intense enough I've been 'practicing' for my yoga class for fear of not keeping up.

I've done the downward facing dog pose as if my life depended on it, shoving my ass into the air like a double jointed duck trying to develop some semblance of yoga skillz.

So the day comes and basically we laid on the floor for an hour and half. In the dark. I couldn't really see anyone so who knows what yoga--tantric or otherwise--was going on?

There was not one downward facing dog. I felt gypped. I'd done all this self-assigned homework for nothing!

Now, I realize that it's a mistake to think you know anything about anything from watching P90X. Their yoga? Is on steroids and has a bad case of 'roid rage to boot.

My yoga? Is a lot of breathing in the dark with some gentle movements that I may or may not be performing correctly. I'm not even sure the instructor can see me!

As for everything else: Still kind of tired. I have those good days and think 'I'm free!' I'm not free, but I'm not in prison either. I'm in a seedy halfway house.

Still lots of muscle pain, which yoga highlighted nicely. Things are just really inflamed and I'm not sure why. Drinking lots of 'gingerade' (ginger, lemon, stevia, water and ice--delicious and anti-inflammatory) to try and feel better. Also Advil. And Tylenol. It's similar to steroid withdrawal muscle pain but I haven't had any steroids in a while.

Went for a 2.5 mile walk. It was painful, but I did it.

Waiting to start bioidentical hormone replacement for low progesterone. My level is below normal so I'm really hoping bringing that back into balance will help me.